Dear Love,
I know it's been a while since we talked. I've been avoiding you because, honestly, I took a disliking to you. See I was under the impression that you had done me wrong. I let myself believe that you were this wrathful hellish emotion that wanted to leave me with nothing but a shattered heart. You hurt me once, how could I trust that you would not do it again? I cut you off, blocked you out for the sole reason that I wanted to live without you.
I must admit, I was fine for a while. Or at least that's what I kept telling myself. I didn't need you, I didn't want you. Envy, pride, Recklessness, they were all so much better than you ever were. I was better off without you.
I know it's been a while since we talked. I've been avoiding you because, honestly, I took a disliking to you. See I was under the impression that you had done me wrong. I let myself believe that you were this wrathful hellish emotion that wanted to leave me with nothing but a shattered heart. You hurt me once, how could I trust that you would not do it again? I cut you off, blocked you out for the sole reason that I wanted to live without you.
I must admit, I was fine for a while. Or at least that's what I kept telling myself. I didn't need you, I didn't want you. Envy, pride, Recklessness, they were all so much better than you ever were. I was better off without you.
One day, however something went wrong. Out of nowhere, I began to miss you. To need you. Reminiscing the feeling of loving and being loved overwhelmed me to a point where, all I could think about was you. I still didn't say it though. I was still stubborn enough to not let you in again.
It took me a while but eventually I realized, that you were not to blame. You weren't the one who hurt me. You tried to make it better, and I being myself, didn't quite comprehend your actions. I let the age old stereotype of 'love is painful and irrational' change my mindset.
See, what I did Love, was mistake you for Grief. I didn't think to distinguish between you two. I didn't think that it was Grief that sneaked it's way in and made you look like the culprit. When I think about the memories you gave me, all I recall is being the happiest I've EVER been. I was in love, I was loved. I was wanted, needed. I made someone happy at the mere thought of my existence, just as my heart did numerous double takes at the thought of them. I was somebody's person and they were mine. And nothing, could shake that feeling off.
Then when things went wrong and Grief set in, I thought it was you.
When Grief brought me down to my knees on a bathroom floor, I thought it was you.
When Grief took every ounce of strength I had, and put it into frequent sobs on the side of my pillow case, I though it was you.
When Grief made me believe that I would not be in this state, had I kept my heart caged and protected, I thought it was you.
When Grief left me with nothing, but make-belief solace at the bottom of a bottle, I thought it was you.
Grief, tore me and broke me and ripped every ounce of my self-worth and all that time...all that time I thought I was you.
And I hated you for it.
I swore to never let you in again, because I never wanted to feel that pain again.
And I hated you for it.
I swore to never let you in again, because I never wanted to feel that pain again.
People often do that, don't they? Mix up Love with Grief and then preach to the whole world, that love is painful, and overrated. It isn't love that leaves one broken and bruised, it's the idea of losing it. The pain of losing it. The grief that comes with the departure of something you hold extremely close to your heart.
Dear Love,
I'm sorry. I miss you. I miss that feeling. The positivity that I was invincible, that came with you. I miss being someone's person. I miss having my own.
Dear love,
I'm terrified at the prospect of loving again. I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified of letting you in again. But I'm ready. When Grief sweeps in, trying to sabotage our relationship, I will not give up. I am ready.
Dear Love,
I am ready.
