Fangirl, and Proud.

Nothing, of late, has been inspiring me to write. Nothing grasps my attention in the way that it would. Neither do my emotions come out like it normally should. You'd think I was having a phase where my emotions are turned off. Or it's probably just that time of the month and my moods are running crazy. But no. I highly doubt that's the case. You see, for the past week or two, I've been channeling my emotions, my attention and all of my energy toward a different kind of activity. Fangirling. (Yes, I'm THAT girl. :P )
So I decided to write about THIS set of my emotions, to put across the idea of what fangirling really is. Well, underneath all the screams and hysterical giggles and fits of ecstatic almost manic happiness.
I have this very close friend of mine who's a fangirl. So I'm going to use her as an example. For those of you who know me, there's a high chance you'll know who she is. But for the ones who don't, lets leave her a mystery, shall we. So this 'mystery best friend' of mine is not just ANY fangirl. She takes shipping ABC's CASTLE and BECKETT,(Caskett, for those of you who've been living under a rock. ) to a whole new level. They are her all time OTP, (One True Pair) ALWAYS. She's admin of at least 1 Castle page on almost every social network. She trends hastags at the speed of lightning. She eats up every update and promotional information there is about Castle like a hungry hyena. She cries at the end of a sad episode and goes red in the face with a fit of giggles when it ends well. Sometimes she's crying and laughing at the same time, and you don't know what to think. Like I said, she's no ordinary fangirl. And at first, I didn't quite understand. I mean, sure. I fangirl too. (Although I'll never be as good as her. ) And trust me when I say, I have TONS of fandoms, Harry Potter, The Mortal Instruments and Percy Jackson being some of the main few. Everything amazes me and everything captures my attention. But it wasn't until recently that it really REALLY hit home. 

The thing with me is, I love to read. When I have a book in my hand, you could be standing right in from of me and I wouldn't know. I tune everyone and everything out. So my fangirling isn't really, like my 'mystery best friend''s is, 'The TV Show' kind. I like TV shows, don't get me wrong! But when I read a book, I'm transported to a completely different world. And THAT'S when the fangirling begins. Because I don't limit my emotions and my expectation of these fictional characters. Whether they play a positive part or have a negative role, they intrigue me. I imagine these characters as if they were a part of my life. As if I were a part of every little situation in their world. I picture what they would be like in reality. Their features, their traits. Whether they're good or bad, they take a place in my heart. I try to understand and comprehend what drives them. And I fall in love. Over and over again. I fell in love with Sydney Carton from A Tale Of Two Cities and Catherine Earnshaw from Wuthering Heights solely because of the fact that I understood where they were coming from without really understanding how I understood it. When I obsess about Jace Wayland/ Herondale from the Mortal Instruments or about William Herondale from the Infernal Devices, I don't do it because they're HOT or BRITISH. (Which they are, no doubt about that. :P) But, I do it because I see the ideal man in William. I see a warrior. I see a man who would protect the ones he loves with his life. I see Jace as what a man should be or at least strive to be like. That beneath the sarcasm and humor, the 'I don't give a rat's ass about anybody but myself' facade, and walls that touch the sky, is a boy just waiting to be understood and loved. And that's what amazes me. (I know, I know. I sound very crazy.)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, fangirling isn't just jumping and screaming and yelping and gasping like many people think it is. It's much much more than that. My 'mystery best friend' doesn't just obsess about Castle because she's got nothing else to set her mind on. She does it because sometimes she needs to escape from reality. She learns from the characters, she feels what they feel, she understands, she relates. It lets her believe that there are happy endings despite the cruelness of the world. Even if it is temporary and fictional. It gives her hope and a reason to believe in something.
I couldn't agree more. To be aware of your emotions is a gift in itself. But to able to accept it and channel it effortlessly is a marvelous talent. And to me, THAT'S what fangirling is all about. Not a psychotic, boy crazy hysterical being, but someone with the ability to dream. Someone with a beautiful and vivid imagination.

Someone who believes.

There Are No Words.

There are no words to describe the feeling of ecstasy,
that ran through her veins when she heard it for the first time.
The soft thumping of a heart...
the heart of a tiny unknown child.

There are no words to depict the joy in her heart,
the joy that came with the sight of that unknown little one.
resting and waiting in her womb...
...while she wondered if she would be blessed...
this time with a little baby girl rather than another loving son.

There are no words to illustrate the enjoyment she felt,
while she shopped and looked for things that would one day belong..
...all of it, to her unborn little angel.
3 months down, 6 more to go, she could barely contain her anticipation.
Drawn, once again, into the mystery and hopefulness of it all.

There are no words to express the cold that washed over her,
when the first signs of realization dawned.
Realization, that even before she had the chance to hold that tiny unknown child,
The chance slipped away and was gone.

No. There are no words to describe the cruel game fate played with her..
No words to explain the grief that engulfed her,
when she watched that tiny unknown, unborn and unbreathing child being separated..
and taken away from her.
Never to know her.
Never to love her.
Never to be a mother to her.

 

The Memory Of An Exception: Part The Second.

As we stood backstage watching the other contestants and smiling furtively at each other as certain songs reminded us of inside jokes we'd cracked, he kept playfully punching my shoulder and telling me I was worrying too much. That I was simply going to kill it. And I told him that he shouldn't be this laid back about it because I was going to beat him hollow. (Which, of course I regretted later.) But he just narrowed his eyes and gave me a quirky grin saying. "We shall see." Even as I said it, my heart contracted in my chest. I didn't want to beat him hollow. I wanted him to feel that same joy of winning that I felt. But I wasn't going to tell him that. He already suspected I was going cookoo. Why give him a reason to confirm it. (I admit, I was being a bit crazy. Hysterical giggles when you're nervous, having cold water when you know you're going to sing...who does that ?! ) But our little quiet argument was thrown off guard, when one of the contestants before me sang a rendition of 'Rolling in the Deep' and probably made the hair on the back of the necks of everyone in the room stand. And also gave me a horrible complex. (Hey, I'm only human.) At that, a terrible cold washed over me. It never happened before, (I mean it did, though not this bad.) but it was happening now. I was almost in tears, clutching his arm and digging my nails into it. (I can't believe the masochistic fellow even willingly gave me his blasted hand!!) and telling him I couldn't do it. That I was gonna run out of the auditorium before the cold of the AC pricked through my skin and before the pressure of it all forced my knees to give way. But he was calm and smiling. That angelic smile that covered a storm in his eyes. Because he knew I couldn't do it. WOULDN'T do it. He knew me too well to worry that I would chicken out because I couldn't hit a high note or sing an emotionally 'angst-ridden' song. (What did I tell you about crazy?)
I hardly had time to do anything to compose myself when she was done and I was called on stage. I let go of his arm, (which I have a strong feeling was scratched and burning) took a deep breath and walked onto the stage. Everyone was cheering and screaming, but I could hardly hear them over the buzz in my ears from the tremble and coldness I felt inside. And then suddenly my father, bless him, out of nowhere screamed out my name and cheered. My head snapped up at that. My dad had seen him, had seen us on that stage together and he'd cheered. It seemed we were off to a good start. THAT, calmed me a wee bit and gave me the guts to introduce my song. I smiled to myself for a minute at the connection of it to me and that boy on stage and began.
I glided through the song effortlessly, closing my eyes when I felt I had to, in order to engulf myself in the song. I pulled all the emotions I needed, and placed it here and there around the song deftly and delicately. The auditorium faded away and it was just him, the song and me. I was living the tune. Breathing the words, feeling it. And he guided me brilliantly through it. He knew exactly where my voice rose like the tide and exactly where it fell into a whisper. I was aware of every note and every chord that he played. I was aware of his presence near me. It stood out like a single lily growing in a bed of red roses. All the pointers he gave me, the places that he felt needed my utmost concentration, I kept in mind. I had never been so aware of him before that moment. And then we were looming towards that high note. That note that would determine the fate of the entire song. I hesitated for a fraction of a second...but then knew I could do it. Because HE knew I could do it. He never doubted it even once. And it was my duty to prove him right. I wanted nothing more than to make him proud. When I was done and opened my eyes to see the crowd cheer, I looked over at him. Not until I saw that smile, did I realize I was holding my breath for it. For his reaction. He didn't look at me, but it was there. Written all over his face. His smile. 
For that moment, for that one single moment nothing mattered at all. Not the way the crowd cheered or the idea of winning or even the fact that the boy beside me didn't love me or feel the same way about me anymore but only cared for me like a friend should. All that mattered, was the smile on his face. That smile that echoed joy, that echoed respect and most importantly pride. For a while, a while that felt like a fraction of second, everything...EVERYTHING seemed to fall into place.

And then reality hit home.

The Memory Of An Exception: Part The First.

I was panicking. I was on my way to the competition and I was panicking. REAL BAD. To make things worse, there was traffic and I was worried that I was running late. And you can't walk into a competition late!! Everybody knows that !! So. Panicking.
When I finally got there, (I wasn't late, thank Heavens!) the place was complete chaos. Everybody was all over the place getting their participation numbers and rehearsing and getting their act together. I had no idea where to go. So I texted him. He replied back saying they were in one of the classrooms. Even though it was a simple one, reading his text, despite everything that had happened between us. Despite the fact that it was over and we were trying to be friends, gave me butterflies in my stomach and sent shivers down my spine. But now wasn't the time to think about that. I had to get to the classroom and fast.
The previous night, while preparing my song, gargling with hot water and thrusting honey down my throat, I did some over-thinking. Word of advice: Over-thinking is a bad BAD thing. Especially while you're having pre-show jitters. I was nervous, my mind was wandering and to my utter misfortune, it latched itself onto the first thing it found in my head. Him. Well...the competition and him. Not only was he my accompanist, but he was participating as well. Which meant he was competition for me. And good competition not to mention. So was I worried that he would screw up my song? Of course not. I knew him like the back of my hand. He would never do that. If  there was anyone who was psychotically obsessed with wanting me to win, it was him. No. That was the least of my problems. What was driving me crazy was the fact that there was a possibility that one of us could lose. Part of me-the selfish part-didn't want to lose. I mean, c'mon. Who does! But the other part, the one that knew how good and talented he was didn't want to win if it meant he would lose. I wanted him to win just as much as I wanted myself to win. It didn't help that the song I'd picked,(he'd picked actually and I'd reluctantly agreed.) was an emotional one that contained history. So basically I was going to sing a song under the constant fear that at any point, it would hit home, my voice would crack and the song would blow. Like I said. Over-thinking =BAD IDEA. Oh, and the cherry on top? Not everyone knew that he was playing for me. (Everyone meaning my dad, and everyone knows how daddies can be.) Given our history, we thought it better to just go with it and not blow it out of proportion. So his reaction was something I was unwillingly and fearfully looking forward to.
As we made our way to the auditorium now, all these thoughts that haunted me the previous night deviously made its way into my head. I was feeling so much at once, I didn't know if I was going to die of excitement or be sick to my stomach. I was scared of the song, of being on that stage with him again. I was terrified of hitting that high note. I knew I could do it, but at the same time I was afraid that I couldn't.
While sitting in the green room and mentally preparing myself, I looked over at him as he sat there in that black shirt and practiced his song. People were wishing him as they were wishing me and teasingly asking me if I was worried that he would change key in the middle of the song. And there wasn't a single hint of hesitation in my voice when I laughed and told them I wasn't. He looked up at me, gave me a smile that held a promise and went back to playing. When he was called up to the stage, as he performed I stood in the shadows smiling and saying a simple silent litany: "Please. Please let him win. He deserves this."

A Farewell.

 It’s been a little hard for me to tell you how I feel. What you mean to me. Every time I try to explain it, it either comes out wrong, or doesn’t come out altogether.  Now, as I sit in the aircraft and watch as the last specks of 17 years of my life rapidly disappear along the runway, I think of how some out of those 17 years were spent in the presence of one of the best people I have EVER known. And I miss you. I miss you so much, that there’s an enormous part of me that just wants to get off the flight so I can come back home and everything can just go back to the way it was.  But I know that if I did that, I would be giving you no reason to be proud of me. 

You’ve been there whenever I’ve needed you. Even when I didn’t know it myself, even when I didn’t want your help, you were there. Your mere presence has never failed to put a smile on my face. You loved me. You still do. Not because I was the pretty brown haired, brown eyed girl with a golden voice. But because I was the bubbly head-in-the-clouds, on-a-perpetual-sugar rush dramatic headstrong girl, who had much more to her than she let on.

 The first time that I met you, we hardly spoke. We were two different people, we had a different set of friends, save for the few mutual ones that we knew.  But, I secretly admired you. (partly because of the fact that you carried yourself with so much of charisma and individuality.) Your personality astounded me. I was terrified to know what a person like you could hold and be like within, but my curiosity got the best of me. I WANTED to take that risk. To play with fire. I just didn’t know HOW… (But you did eventually, thank God!) Now, years later, we’ve grown up and come such a long way, it’s almost hard to believe that I couldn’t pluck up the courage to just say HI. Its hard to wrap my head around the fact that those two kids were us. Walking around like we had not a care in the world. Fighting, challenging each other. You saw the innocence and morality in me as I saw the benevolence and goodness in you. We had good times and we had bad. Heartbreaking situations and joyous occasions. There were times when I hated you enough to want to drive a stake through your heart and there were times I loved you with every nerve and fiber in my body. At times when I look back at all these years, I feel slight pangs of regret because I never let you in soon enough. I never let you see beyond that smile, that I constantly had plastered on my face. You looked at me with so much of love and respect, you believed in me so firmly and trusted me to lengths I couldn’t imagine, I was so scared that if you saw how flawed I was, those feelings would change. You would run away, just like everyone else. I distanced myself. Drew a barrier between me and the rest, especially you, because I thought it was the right thing to do. Turns out, it wasn't the smartest move in the world.
We hardly talk anymore. It’s been months since I left. I’m oceans away and you’ve moved on. We both have. You have a life that beckons and gets crazier day by day. And I have a whole array of new beginnings ahead of me. We talk whenever we can, but there’s no denying that the bond we once had, the one where you knew exactly what I was thinking without me saying a word. Where every song I sang, and every note I hit reminded you of how proud you were of me, and of the fact that I was a part of your life and you of mine, is wrinkling at the edges. It will never fade away entirely. But it is weakening. As time goes on you won’t miss me and I won’t think of you, as I do. Already your memory seems like a blur. A dream that occurred ages ago. So I’ll say it now, before it ceases to matter entirely. I miss you. And I love you. You will see greatness and encounter people much better than me. And I will see either the blissful tranquility or uproar of life through someone else’s eyes. But that love will never change.So for now, the distance will do. Let the bond break, if meant to. What could be better than building it again if we have to. And when we meet once more somewhere down the road of forever, everything that transpired between us will be there. And I will have my best friend back.
So,Yes. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just get off that plane and come home. No distance to break us. But then I remember, that if I did that, I would be giving you no reason to be proud of me.
And thats what comes to matter. Even if leads to our distance.

Uncomfortable In Her Own Skin.

She didn't know when it had occurred. Or even how. It had slowly crept its way in. All she knew was that she was looking at someone else in the mirror. Someone who had captured her being and taken possession of who she was. Like a stranger, a ghost that was living and breathing vicariously through her. The girl in the mirror was different from the girl she saw within. She had taken the backseat in her own life. The girl in the mirror was cold, but wiser. She was calling the shots. Making the decisions. Stopping the ache and yearning and switching the emotions off. The girl in the mirror was healing her. Repairing the damage and wreckage. Still, that didn't change the fact that she had no idea WHO this girl was.

She peered closely to see if she could find at least some fragments of the girl she had once been. The heart that had once resided in the body she was looking at. She looked the same. Brown eyes, brown hair... the same laugh, the same smile, the same voice... her nose wrinkled the same way when she frowned. And yet she wasn't who she wanted to be. That was it. She couldn't seem to unearth anything else. Nothing that reminded her of a life that had once meant the most to her. Should she be happy that she was healing?? That she could finally let it all go?? That she could finally take it all in her stride and not break down?? Maybe. But at what price?? Losing who she was? No. She wouldn't stand for that. But there appeared to be nothing she could do. She was not the holder of her life anymore.
Change they say, is inevitable and it had finally caught up with her. The girl in the mirror was changing her. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made it possible to face the challenges of the world. She was growing up.

Still...STILL...She didn't know what, and she didn't know why. But somehow, somewhere she was positive that she had lost something. Something that was a part of her. Something that she had fought for but misplaced. Something that gave her a feeling of assurance and security.
And without it she was susceptible...
apprehensive..
unsure of herself...
Without it, she was uncomfortable in her own skin.

Angels in Disguise. Sisters, ALWAYS.

Okay. This isn't an inspirational post. But its a post about 2 people who inspired me. 2 people who have in the course of 3 years come to mean the world to me. 2 people who laughed with me through the good times and picked me up during the bad. 2 people who dared to trust me despite having built walls that touch the sky. It is said, that wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't always a very good idea. But these 2, they took a chance and put their hearts out there. And I highly doubt they'll ever regret it. These 2 people, they were like angels. Angels that showed me how to live and led me to believe. Believe in love, believe in forgiveness and believe in hope.

The first angel was with me for 8 years. But I failed to acknowledge her presence. She watched over me from a distance. Admiring, marveling at the girl I was. She wanted to reach out to me, to know me. She wanted to understand me. But like most angels, she was invisible to me. Over the past three years, this angel and I have gotten so close, that a simple gesture that I make helps her understand what im feeling. Every look in my eye lets her know my hearts emotions. Every smile that I give the world, she knows it through and through. And not a day goes by where she doesn't try to cure my heart of all the pain.This angel has taught me, that I don't need to be great or beautiful or popular. I just need to be ME. And she loves that girl. The girl that I am. She always has, and I KNOW that she ALWAYS will.

The second angel was like a bonus for knowing the first. A very very good bonus. They were like a package deal. TWIN angels. Beautiful, heavenly TWIN angels. So this second angel, just like the first went unnoticed for 5 years. There was the occasional 'Hi, How are you?' but not much beyond that. From mere acquaintances to friends, to sisters, to being my conscience, my guiding light, my silver lining. This angel not only picked me up whenever I fell, but she also put me back on the right track. She never forced her opinions on me, but made me see sense. Differentiate between what was right for and me, and what I would regret. She made me believe in fairy tales. Not the storybook ones, but the ones that were based on MY reality.

Yes, these two angels know exactly what they mean to me. So whats so significant about today that I have to make it known through words written in a blog ? Nothing, except that they turn 18 today. Today, the 3rd of July, 18 years ago two wonderful human beings were born. And they have changed my life just like they've changed every other life they've touched in these 18 years. Since they're born exactly 10 days after me, I like to think that they were literally sent as guardian angels or bodyguards rather, cause God already had an idea of how messed up I would be. Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually. So they were like my anchors in every aspect. Still are. And always will be. These two girls have been so wonderful and so supportive that sometimes I wonder if I even deserve it. They aren't just friends or acquaintances. These two girls are the sisters I've never had. They are Family. Nothing will ever change that.

So, Faye and Marilyn. A very Happy Birthday! I don't need to give you'll a whole speech on chasing your dreams and never giving up, because you'll are the ones who taught it to me. But I do wish you'll all the happiness and love this life has to offer you. Please dont ever forget how much you'll mean to me. I love you both to bits. Have a wonderful 18th birthday and a smashing year ahead. :)