Things she said...

"I'm lost." she said.
"I can't do this anymore." she said.
"It's too much." she said.
"I'm a burden" she said.

"I've got nothing" she said.
"I am nothing" she said.  
"I will always be nothing" she said.
"I'm not capable" she said.
"It's too painful" she said.

"I'm not strong enough" she said
"I'm not good enough" she said.
"I'm not worthy enough" she said.
"It's too much to bear" she said.

"I'm happy" she said.
"I'm okay" she said.
"I'm better" said.
"I'll be fine" she said.
 
"This is it" she said.
"No more hurt" she said.
"I'll be free" she said.
"It's over" she said.

"Goodbye, pain" she said.
"Hello, death" she said.

The Last Song.

The last song we sang was a song of hate. A song that I'd gotten so used to hearing. So much so, that you could say I'd even begun to love it...
The masochist that I am, I'd even come to enjoy it...
But there was only so much even a masochistic being like me could endure.
It was the final hurtful notes I would encounter at your hands.
The last song we sang was one of insults. Where you ran me down in the only way, the only language you knew I'd understand.
The only thing that you knew would hit home...
For months I listened to you compose ballads about how I was never good enough. How despite how many times you said it, eventually, I was never the girl you loved.
It never really settled in, even now sometimes, I go back, play the song, listen to the tune and wonder why?
But I realize that deep down I always knew this song- OUR song- would be over...way before its end was nigh.
And all those months I believed you... Just like I'd believed you whenever after any song, your eyes would meet mine. I had a hard time accepting, what everyone else around me already saw, I had a hard time accepting that you couldn't be anything else, but right.
If I could now, I swear I would go back in time and listen to my own subconscious subtle song of advice.
So this last song... The one that you filled with hatred and painful words, was a song of acceptance. A song that cracked through my dark hole and finally gave me a glimpse of light.

A light, a song, a melody that will now forever be MINE.

Unkissed

Somewhere in a quiet little town, a little boy cries.
He's alone in his bedroom, with nothing but his toys to keep him satisfied.
He can't seem to make sense of the shouting and harsh words being exchanged, beyond his bedroom door and down the hall.
But the only thing he wants is to feel the soothing voice of his father and the warm kisses from his mother, sheltering him from it all.
But his mommy and daddy, forget to acknowledge his existence...so engulfed in the heated exchange of words they are.
They fail to remember that little boy, who wants nothing more than to be comforted and missed.
As he falls asleep...scared, without hope and unkissed.

Somewhere  on a battlefield, a man falls to his death.
And while he breathes his last, there is all but one image that comes to his head.
The face of a beauty so pure and serene.
The gap that his absence will now bring...
The hole in her heart that will now form from him being terribly missed.. as she learns to go on without him.....
...Alone and Unkissed.

Somewhere, in the middle of nowhere a girl sits by herself.
Shes battered. shes bruised, shes broken, having known the lustful pleasures of this world all too well.
She knows an act of passion, she feels it grow with every man she entices... she walks the streets for money, having never known the gentle refuge of a man's warm embrace.
She enjoys it, her senses entwine itself in it...only because she believes that's who she is.
But at the end of the day, she's still a girl with a heart that's never been touched...
A mind that's never been loved.
...And a soul that still remains Unkissed.

He knows how much he misses her, deep down somewhere in his questioning heart.
He goes through everyday free and embracing life, but the absence of her essence leaves him in the dark.
She needs him, wants him. She's fallen hard, she knows that now.
But she wont let her guard down, her ego has her sitting on a throne, high and proud.
Both of them...on a break that neither can survive,
but neither will admit, thinking of what's best for the other therefore taking it in their stride...

The very core of their hearts, overwhelmed with longing and the regret of letting him go...
..Unkissed. 

I Love Me, He Loves Me Not.

For the most part of this past year, I was determined to believe that I was anything but wrong. And while a part of me still believes it, I know now that I was, that I am, everything that a good girl isn't made of.
I loved you. I loved you so strongly, it set me on a high, that I found very hard to come down from. So when gravity finally slapped me back on concrete, all I wanted to do was curl up and lay on the ground in the ashes of a fire that id lit and fueled, all on my own.
I hated you. I hated you so fiercely that after a certain point, all I could feel was anger for something that I had subconsciously done but pinned on you. Anger that killed every bit of innocence that resided in this now hard heart of mine.
I envied you. Because you had everything that I wanted. That id always wished for. Everything that id almost had, but that I let slip away helplessly. YOU were everything that I needed and could never have.
I despised you. I despised you, for the way you treated me. The way you made me feel so loved and then crumpled me like a piece of paper.  Because of how badly you let me down. I forever believed in you and convinced myself that you could never be wrong. And yet, it seems to me now, that you never thought highly of me in the first place.
I was never good enough for you...
And probably never will be.
All of this, all of you, is what had me waking up in cold sweat with a pounding heart for the past year. Because I couldn't stop the dreams...the nightmares. The pain that felt so real, it was impossible to believe my subconscious was playing dark twisted games with me. While I could say I tried to fight it ( I attempted to, a couple of times.) I would be lying if I said I gave it my all. Because despite everything, the pain was something I had decided to hold dear.
As the only remainder of what was, I secretly let it take over.
I embraced and enjoyed the agony.
However I couldn't spend the rest of my life succumbing to the numbness. The choking feeling had to stop...
It had to end...
Yes, I was difficult, I was stubborn and hard to understand. But that never gave you the right to shun me and put me down. It never gave you the right to leave me at a time when I needed YOU the most.
And I realize now that I was always better than you made me out to be.
With or without you.
No, I'm not a good girl. I'm not even close. What I am though, is a believer and a fighter. And for the last year and a half Id forgotten this. I had gotten so used to being loved by you, that id forgotten how to love myself. And when finally you stopped I didn't know how to be anything but broken. I didn't know how to look at myself in the mirror and find the girl that- not YOU but- I loved.
The girl I am here, today is the truth of my reality. I'm impulsive and dramatic and never easy.
I will never be good enough for you...
Because you want the best, and I'm anything but. This is who I am, this is all I can be. Flaws and all, even if you tried, you could never really love me.
The essence of you that i used to feel around me, has danced away with the wind...like the ashes of the fire I had started, which eventually led me to my impending doom.  And while a little of you is still a part of me, everyday it fades faster and faster...like the scars of a battle, slowly dissolving into my tender flesh covered with layers and layers of my skin.
Never to be seen.
Never to be known.
Never to be felt.
EVER AGAIN.

A Mother's Love.

I walked into the room cautiously. She was sitting on the bed, folding the clothes, her back towards me. The sight of her made my heart sink. Another wave of nausea hit me as it always did when I thought about telling her what I was going to tell her now. Mostly it was because I  always wanted to believe I was doing the right thing and it would never come to this, and even after that proved to be false, I was just too stubborn to admit that she was right, right from the start. As I walked up to her and patted her on the back, she turned around and smiled, handing me a bunch of clothes that I needed to put in my bag and joked around saying something about how they were washed now and I'll have beautifully fragrant clothes for the trip. Her jokes however, were in vain, because I could barely hear her from the words that were swimming in my head. "Where do I begin? How do I tell her? More importantly, WHAT do I tell her? Will she be upset? Will she grumble? Will she say the words that I'd inevitably come to hear and that had begun to haunt me even in my sleep? "I told you so." Could I do this? SHOULD I do this? Maybe its just better if I don't say anything. But I knew, even as all these questions clogged my mind, that I was going to tell her.
She must've sensed something, because her smile was slowly replaced by a questioning look in her eyes. She probably also noticed the obvious obscurity that was my face. At first, with the way she was looking at me, a funny image crossed my mind where she thought I was pregnant or something. The blatant absurdity of that alone almost made me laugh. ALMOST.
As she watched me, I closed my eyes, licked my lips to make sure that it was not dry with nerves, took a deep breath, and began..
Somewhere in between my story, I opened my eyes. But not once did I look in her direction. Not once did I glance to see what her reaction was. All I did was look at my hands. As the words tumbled out, I didn't think of what I was telling her. I just told her everything. Everything that had happened. Everything that id felt. Everything that I had gone through. How she was right all along. How love or at least the idea of it had made me blind. How I had failed to see what I should've seen. How I had gone against everything everyone said because I wanted to defy the universe. It all came out. Word after word. Emotion after emotion. Feeling after feeling.
When I was done, I looked up. My eyes were surprisingly dry, even though I had the terrible urge to bawl them out. But I stayed calm. I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I should've listened to you. It would never have come to this if I had."
When I was finally valiant enough to look at her, I was given the last reaction that I'd ever expected. I expected her to be smirking, I expected her to be laughing with triumph, I expected her to say, "I told you so." The very words that Id come to despise. I expected her to shoo me away and make me sulk in a corner rather than come to her for comfort. I expected the cold shoulder. But when I looked at her, all she did was pull me close and wrap her arms around me.
And that was it. That's when it finally hit home. That's when the pain that id been carrying like a burden for all those months, came gushing out in a wave of salt water running down my cheeks. The pain of a broken heart. The pain of hearing everyone around me say, "I told you he would leave." The pain of useless hope. The pain of, 'I never loved you. I would never have come back.' The pain of "you're too much drama" The pain of haunting nightmares of memories that had seared themselves into my brain. I let it all out, as I held on to her tightly and sobbed till my heart went numb.
When i finally pulled back and looked at her face, all i saw was tears. Tears that were rolling down those lovely cheeks that were slightly beginning to wrinkle with age. She was looking at me with so much love. Her nose turning a slight color of crimson. I'd expected a smirk, instead I'd gotten a tear. Id expected a laugh of triumph, instead I'd gotten a cry of grief. Instead of "I told you so." I'd gotten, "Oh, my poor babydoll." And instead of the cold shoulder that I was so blindly expecting, she pulled me close into a warm tight embrace. I looked at her and that was my moment of clarity. In that moment, I realized that I wasn't the only one who had suffered all those months. When I cried myself to sleep at night, she cried with me. When I hid the pain under that big smile that I gave everybody, she fretted with me. Despite the fact that I had kept it all from her, she knew every little detail. Every emotion, every feeling, every expression whether seen or hidden. Because she was my mother. And I was a part of her. The very core of her existence. She made me, and therefore knew every little thing that her daughter felt. She knew my soul. Because we were connected, and always would be. My mother loved me, and no matter what, always would.

That was my moment of clarity. That was the moment I knew. The moment when the pieces of my broken heart picked itself up and pieced itself together. All it took was acceptance...
...and a mother's love.

Hold On

Everything changes. However much you may want to hold on to the past,
to everything you had... it goes away.
But you need to know, that no matter what, Ill be there.
Watching your life play out from afar...
...and marveling at the girl you are.

I promise to be a constant in your life, however hard your days may get.
I promise to love you, flaws and all,
and constantly, deliberately remind you each day, lest you forget.

I know there are times when things tend to get out of hand.
And you need nothing more than an escape route, a back up plan...
But whats life without a little pain? Ive seen you go through worse and come out stronger than you've ever been.



Things seem to be slipping away from you.Things seem to be falling out of place
But you need to know love, that there are certain bonds and grounds that neither time... nor distance... or even CHANGE could ever shake.

Hold on tightly to every memory you've got, hold on tightly to each and every one of them,
cause when this storm passes, after you've given it everything you've got,
The ones you love and who matter the most will be there, ALWAYS
And I, I'll hold you someday soon...again.

Come Back To Bed

It was 2 in the morning. She sat at the window, looking out but not really seeing anything. It was dark outside. Black as the color of death. The moon didn't shine today, as it normally did. She suspected it was hidden somewhere behind some cloud, waiting to be given a chance to come out again. Waiting for those storm clouds to quietly pass by. But of course they didn't. Storm clouds never leave without causing some kind of destructive storm. Most of the time the destructions are reparable. But what if it wasn't now. What if this storm that had just occurred had caused irreparable damage? What would she do? Would she survive the chaos and destruction that surrounded her? Literally. Would she fight for what she loved? Or did it not matter anymore, now that some part, told her she didn't.

He sat on the bed. The bed that had been full of the warmth from their bodies was cold now, her side of it, empty and untouched. There was no light in the room, except for the dullness of the moon, through weathered clouds, marking his silhouette. All around him was broken glass. Remnants of frames and birthday presents that had once been. It was all shattered now. Broken into pieces like the love they once shared. What had they done? where had they gone wrong? How did it come to this? They had been so good together. Now he couldn't stand the sight of her. Her moods, her tantrums, her independence, everything that he once loved about her, now boiled his blood.  Maybe it was a good thing that it had come to this. Maybe they just weren't meant to be. Maybe he was better off without her. She was too dramatic and he couldn't stand it. As he walked out to tell her that it was over, his shoe came down on something, further crumpling the shards of glass to pieces. He bent over to pick it up, and stared...

Outside, she sat. Hands in her lap, taking in the bruises from the frames she'd broken in a fit of rage. She had a temper she knew, but so did he. He was as bad as her. As strong-willed as she was. They were like fire against fire. Their love was passionate, but their anger was wrathful. As she sat and looked on, the blood slowly drying around the bruises, she knew it was over. This was a storm, they couldn't surpass. This was a severe fight, they could never get over. Words had been said. Words that could never be taken back. It was words that brought them together, and words that would tear them apart. In that moment she despised 'love.' Love that had consumed her so many times but had eventually fizzled out. She was so engulfed in her own thoughts and emotions that she didn't see him come up to her, and take her hands in his. Even when she did realize, she was too stunned to pull away. He drew her close, still holding her hands, gently but firmly and whispered something in her ear. He pulled back, held her eyes for a moment, got up and went back to the bedroom.

When she opened her palm to see what it was that he had left in her hand, she saw a picture. It was the picture of an abnormally large, homemade cake. Sprinkles had been used to write a sentence in the middle of the cake. She looked at it, and felt her heart contract. Of course she remembered that picture. She had made that cake. It had been one of those nights when he'd been sitting up late and working. She'd woken up in the middle of the night and made that cake to tell him how much she missed him by her side. His arms, the warmth and security of his chest. And he'd laughed so much at the gesture, eventually smearing cake all over her face. It was that day, that they'd sworn, they'd always be together and never leave each others side. She smiled now at the memory, and gave in. That part that had told her only minutes ago that she didn't love him had dissolved. Because she did love him. No matter what. She always had, and always would.And she knew he loved her too. That look that he had just given her, had said it all. So she did exactly what he'd whispered in her ear. She did exactly what was written on that cake that she had baked for him, that night.

As she walked into the bedroom, the picture fell to the ground. And the light of the moon that had finally come out, shone on the words sprinkled delicately onto the cake...
..."Come back to bed."