Love, Light and Everything in Between.

Do you hear that incessant noise? Can you see the extra 3 kgs on your weighing scale? Do you see the streets so empty yet so filled with beautiful lights? Well, if you don't, you probably don't, like Renelle, live in India and you're missing out on a lot. And she's totally making eyes at me now through the phone screen (What did you think? Computers? Pfft. #techswag)
By the way, hi, I'm Abhishta. You don't know me personally but, I don't know Bill Gates personally and I'm still surviving so, I'm sure you can live without knowing me. Also, I'm positive you don't know Renelle personally either. You don't right? RIGHT? *nervous giggle*
As a kid, Diwali, for me, was a festival when I lit a few crackers that excited the crap out of me (the really basic ones, I'm terrified of bombs), but more than that, it was that one time in the year where families came together. Whether it was going from house to house to visit family members or like the recent addition Skype calls for long distance family members. It's that time of the year when you don't mind cheating on your diet because, HELLO, 'kaaju katli', 'jalebis', 'gulab jamun'... You get the point (You can go open that box of sweets that you've been craving for, now.)
Firecrackers, somehow, are a part of Diwali that most of us have grown up with but it's also alarming for the environment. All I can say is, there should be a limit on firecrackers and please don't buy those Butterflies, I almost died because of one of those.
So light a diya or a sparkler, make 'rangolis', eat truckloads of sweets (cheating or not), I'll be here having Nutella on bread listening to Ed Sheeran songs, sitting at my window, enjoying my Diwali with Renelle on Google Hangouts, while she drives this blog home.
Take it away, Perairs.
Yes. That was Abhishta. Who is Abhishta, you ask? No? Well, I'm going to answer it anyway. Abhishta is my charming, happy-go-lucky, curly haired, unbelievably humorous best friend AKA the happier half of me. Yes, this is a collab blog post of funny and profound and I don't know how Abhishta forgot to mention this at the start. (She was probably too busy RUBBING SALT ON MY WOUNDS) We wanted to do this so bad. Why? Because we're awesome. Even though we're fully aware that nobody gives two shits about what we wanna say or our feelings and our emotions or what we do in life. Speaking of life, now I'm supposed to get all philosophical, after Abhishta just talked about KAJU KATLI AND GULAB JAMUN?! How is this even fair. Sigh.
I miss Diwali.
I miss Abhishta.
I miss mithai.
Ugh I miss everything.
Why you gotta be so rude, life?
You'd think, living in the City of Dreams, I would not lack light in my life. The brightness of Time Square. Laughter and love all around me, filling my entire being. Billboard signs and Taylor Swift, singing "Welcome to New York. It's been waiting for you!" But that couldn't be further from the truth. Every second of every minute of every hour of everyday I am still constantly searching for my light. For that one sparkling beam that will bring me home, to my destiny. While the light of diyas and lanterns beautifully fill up my home in India, my light- the light within me, that final brilliant burning brightness that will give meaning to my existence, still needs to be found. I am nowhere close to finding it yet, and sometimes it even seems an impossible feat. But I know, that I cannot give up. I will not give up. Because whenever a new day dawns and light from the sun illuminates my heart, it allows me to believe, to hope, that I am one step closer to that light that will bring me back to life.
Diwali, you marvelous, mesmerizing festival, I am here in another world, in another time, ready to embrace the new hope you bring every year, that someday, somehow I will find my ray of light...
In the meantime, Google Hangouts with Bishta is the perfect way to celebrate because her faith, along with so many others all these years, that one day I will shine, is what has kept my darkened heart alive.
Hey Abs Lalu, this philosophical enough for you?
Happy Diwali, peace and all our love. (Go get your own Nutella, we're not sharing)
From two best friends living on opposite sides of the world, but closer than they've ever been,
Abs Lalu & Elle Perairs.

P.S: For those of you who don't live in India, Gulab Jamun is an Indian sweet that will make your heart sigh. (Look at us. Acting like we have readers all over the world)
P.P.S: We actually, quite literally did this over chat and Google Hangouts. Do y'all have a friendship this amazing? We think not. (Forgive us, we have no social life.)

Two Sides Collide.

I have faith. I lack belief.
I have hope. Hopelessness overwhelms me.
I am alive. I am dead within
I breathe. I am crushed with suffocation.

I deserve better. I am not worthy.
I live. Only barely.
I am happy. Grief engulfs me.
I laugh. Will my silent sore tears,
Ever leave me be?

I love you.
Do I?
Please don't leave me. Stay away, step aside.
I forgive you.
Can I?
I am newly whole. Torn up inside.
I am ready.
Am I?

I am willing. I am terrified.


I hold onto angels. My soul, demons embrace.

Dear Love.

Dear Love,
I know it's been a while since we talked. I've been avoiding you because, honestly, I took a disliking to you. See I was under the impression that you had done me wrong. I let myself believe that you were this wrathful hellish emotion that wanted to leave me with nothing but a shattered heart. You hurt me once, how could I trust that you would not do it again? I cut you off, blocked you out for the sole reason that I wanted to live without you.

I must admit, I was fine for a while. Or at least that's what I kept telling myself. I didn't need you, I didn't want you. Envy, pride, Recklessness, they were all so much better than you ever were. I was better off without you.

One day, however something went wrong. Out of nowhere, I began to miss you. To need you. Reminiscing the feeling of loving and being loved overwhelmed me to a point where, all I could think about was you. I still didn't say it though. I was still stubborn enough to not let you in again.

It took me a while but eventually I realized, that you were not to blame. You weren't the one who hurt me. You tried to make it better, and I being myself, didn't quite comprehend your actions. I let the age old stereotype of 'love is painful and irrational' change my mindset.

See, what I did Love, was mistake you for Grief. I didn't think to distinguish between you two. I didn't think that it was Grief that sneaked it's way in and made you look like the culprit. When I think about the memories you gave me, all I recall is being the happiest I've EVER been. I was in love, I was loved. I was wanted, needed. I made someone happy at the mere thought of my existence, just as my heart did numerous double takes at the thought of them. I was somebody's person and they were mine. And nothing, could shake that feeling off.

Then when things went wrong and Grief set in, I thought it was you.
When Grief brought me down to my knees on a bathroom floor, I thought it was you.
When Grief took every ounce of strength I had, and put it into frequent sobs on the side of my pillow case, I though it was you.
When Grief made me believe that I would not be in this state, had I kept my heart caged and protected, I thought it was you.

When Grief left me with nothing, but make-belief solace at the bottom of a bottle, I thought it was you.

Grief, tore me and broke me and ripped every ounce of my self-worth and all that time...all that time I thought I was you.
And I hated you for it.
I swore to never let you in again, because I never wanted to feel that pain again.

People often do that, don't they? Mix up Love with Grief and then preach to the whole world, that love is painful, and overrated. It isn't love that leaves one broken and bruised, it's the idea of losing it. The pain of losing it. The grief that comes with the departure of something you hold extremely close to your heart.

Dear Love,
I'm sorry. I miss you. I miss that feeling. The positivity that I was invincible, that came with you. I miss being someone's person. I miss having my own.

Dear love,
I'm terrified at the prospect of loving again. I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified of letting you in again. But I'm ready. When Grief sweeps in, trying to sabotage our relationship, I will not give up. I am ready.

Dear Love,

I am ready.

Falling For The Enemy.

The storm rages outside, as He walks in and every eye in the room sparks up.
Through and through, you can see their souls catch fire.
Aware of the effect he has, he silently delights in the bliss of every coherent thought he disrupts.

But he doesn't stop, doesn't look to see the heads turn- men and women alike.
No, he begins to walk my way...
With all but one goal in mind.

It's hard to look away from the man making his way towards me,
His eyes, a deep sinful brown, seem to have me in a trance.
Despite the crowd, the atmosphere, the music, this perfect manifestation of a Greek God, is literally the only thing I can see.

He smiles as he gets closer, and I feel myself mirror his expression.
There was a time when I tried to shut him and his charming ways out..
..but when was I ever one to not give in...

He's the devil, I know he is.
But the ruffle in is hair begs to differ.
The wet strands curl slightly at the nape of his neck...
And it's all I can do to keep from running them through my fingers.

As he sits down next to me, I see all the markings of a bad boy, the dynamite in his eyes, the friskiness in his crooked smile.
Those lips of his will do nothing, but leave back bittersweet tingling marks.
Was I always a sucker for his kind?

I am not breaking down anymore.
He may have fixed me to a point where I might not ever crash or burn again,
I am basking in the warmth of this compelling being's affection.
His only goal being wanting to take away every past moment of my pain.

The rain pours with more gusto, and the thunder crashes ever so loudly,
But this man, and his charms ignite a fire that burns way too fiercely

When he pulls in to plant a soft kiss on my cheek and the whole room seems to heave out a sigh,
My whole being swells up with happiness at the thought, that this boy is MINE.

I have fallen for Change.

And Never...
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined him to be this good. 

Scars.

They caught a man harassing a woman on the street.
But little do they know, the verbal harassment he weighs on her, daily.

They found a girl, brutally raped lying in an abandoned house somewhere in a deserted city.
Little do they know his brutal insults mentally strip her naked, daily.

When she decides to fight back, the world judges her.
When she doesnt, the world judges her.

Screams heard from within the house, paint her as the culprit while he comes out, helpless and taken as the victim.
They look at him with pity, while their eyes follow her path, with thinly disguised malignity...
...But little do they know, her shouts of protest, are the result of his cruel words breaking her spirit, thwarting her mind, leaving her uncomfortable in her own skin.

Words, they say make a person.
Words, they say break them too.

What however, of the words that do neither the former nor the latter, but instead leave a being dangling, suffering..
...looking...
...grasping...
for little hopeless shreds of hope.

He breaks her, hurts her, cuts her up with words sharper than knives, leaving her body lifeless and sore.
And she...she gives in to this poison that she knows will make death inevitable but very very painfully slow.

While the world convicts a man for wounding a woman physically for everyone to know.

The firebreather that once stole her heart, damages her mentally with words...
...leaving scars that will never show.

Me, Myself and Time.

2011. December. Winter had just begun to set in. Slowly but surely the iciness was starting to creep into the wind. But the chill in my heart had already settled in way before the weather. I walked home from college, despite the cold, hoping to calm my mind. The slow pace I was taking along the Carter Road boardwalk, breathing in the air would, I assumed, help clear my head. At 16, I was battling the very problem that every girl my age encounters - boyfriend drama. Except it was a lot more complicated than just wondering whether he thought I was pretty enough for him or not.
Mum broke the news to me that morning. I was packing my bag getting ready for college, when she excitedly came up to me and handed me an envelope. I looked at her quizzically wondering why she was grinning so widely. Upon opening the envelope only did I realize.I felt a flutter of excitement for a second as I read how the US Government had decided to grant us permanent residency. But almost immediately my heart sank as an epiphany dawned and all but one thing evaporated from my brain.
What about us?

A LIST OF THINGS MY BEST FRIEND AND I GET ALONG ON:
Coca-cola
John Mayer
The Beatles
Castle
Chinese
Mc.Donalds
Pizza
Playing the fool
Falling in Love
Falling out of Love
Harry Potter
Books
Blogs
Tumblr
High Heels
Sweat Pants
Singing
FanFiction
Ian Somerhalder
Youtube
Coldplay
Imagine Dragons

It's a Wednesday afternoon, in March 2013, when I get the news. Bored out of my mind from studying for the paper of a subject I don’t really like, I jump at the first ring of my phone hoping it is some kind of distraction. The distraction comes in the form of a suicide. One of my classmates, a childhood friend, has hung herself. My mind races, as everything within me suddenly goes numb. Distinctively I can hear my mother come in and ask me what the matter is. When I don’t respond, but instead fall to my knees, she panics and calls my father. I can feel hands around me, shaking me. As I clutch my stomach I look up at her and open my mouth to tell her what the problem is. All I can manage however, is a blood curdling scream.

THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME THAT I CAN NEVER FORGET:
Hi.
SHUT UP.
I don’t love you.
You have such pretty eyes.
What a beautiful voice!
You probably didn’t know, but I had a huge crush on you back then. Still do.
I hate you.
You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and you’re mine.
WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD?!!
You’re very hyperactive.
You’re short.
I miss you
You’re too much drama
You’re just not good enough.
Always
I love you. Always have. Always will.

2026. I sit on the steps of the church. We do not have spring in India, but it is an equally beautiful day. The sun has chosen to shine through bits and pieces of the clouds passing by instead of coming out in full swing. There are children in the courtyard playing a game called Catch and Go Cook, not cook in the literal sense, of course. At 6 years old, my little girl is just as lively as I was at her age. She’s got Will’s smile, but her eyes, hazel melting into chocolate brown, are wide and mischievous- a trait I was fondly known for all my life. I can hear her screams and the giggles that carry back to me as I sit in quiet thought. Thoughts of how a 6 year old me would play in that very courtyard. Of hanging around with a group of close friends after choir rehearsal or Sunday mass. Of secret hideouts and competitions in the adjoining school auditorium. Of romantic little rendezvous’ on those very steps or in the classrooms. Of jumping about in the hallways or learning about God in Sunday School.
Dreams...
Memories...
Hopes...
Desires...
Sitting in the church pews and looking for strength when all seemed lost. It has been 12 years since I last came home. I expected difference and change. Instead everything seems just the way it was when I left. The memories come- straight and fast- as I move to sit on that corner pew, the one I almost always associated with his presence. It amazes me that a part of my mind remembers him still. The way he walked, the square of his shoulders, the tangled mess in the front that was his hair. His eyes. The love, the laughter, the hurt, the passion, the anger, the indifference in them. And that guitar on his back. So used to him I was, that despite the distance, all these years, I have every inch, every feature of his face commited to memory.

Suddenly I’m 15 again with not a care in the world. All that matters is that boy. That boy and the emotions he could awaken within me.

Wish I, I Wished.

Wish I'd eaten something for breakfast this morning.
Wish I'd left a minute earlier and gotten the train I just missed.
Wish I hadn't accidentally missed my station because I was too sleepy to pay attention.
Speaking of which,
Wish I'd slept early last night.

Wish I'd bought that Tuna sandwich.
Wish I'd picked up that extra complimentary pair of free headphones.
Wish I hadn't left an important valuable on that counter, absentmindedly.

Wish I'd paid more attention...
..to everyone and everything.
Wish I'd been smarter, wiser.
Wish I hadn't worn my heart on my sleeve.
And to the advice that told me to stay away and run as fast as I possibly could, wish I'd paid more heed.

Wish I didn't know...
Didnt know then, didnt know now.
Wish I hadn't seen the way you looked at me...
Looked at me then, looked at me now.
Wish I hadn't fought for the love I believed I wanted
But rather lived with the love I knew I had.

Wish I stood my ground for what truly...truly mattered.
Wish I hadn't seen the side of you, or me, that almost completely broke me.
Almost.
Wish I didnt know all the things I know about you...
...like a keeper to your Fidelius Charm.
Because it makes me sick to my stomach to know now, that I'm not the only one.

Wish I could still have it in me, to love you the way I did.
But the answer, after months and months of searching, is that I dont.
I Don't Love You Anymore.
And I wish, every single day, that I could just pluck up the courage to let you know.

So many wishes, all left unsaid.
All left undone.