Lost & Lonesome.

My being has begun to lack the ability to feel passion for all the inspiration around and that scares the living daylights out of me.

Sunsets & Silhouettes.

"So till the morning breaks, go and make your mistakes. Don't be surprised if your heart hurts."

He Would've Had It All.

He would've had it all. All that he'd never had but always desired. A beautiful girl that possessed his heart. A family to look forward to, to build, to care for, to love. He would've had it all. Every single thing, whether unimportant, or of the highest significance. Whether it was her warm smile or the feel of his heart as it swelled up with pride at the mere feeling of being beside her for the rest of forever. This was what he'd wanted all along. He would've had it all.

He deserved it, he knew. He would've had it all and he deserved every bit of it. After everything that he'd been through, he deserved to be happy. After losing not one, but two epic loves. Two losses combined with the grief of losing his humanity. He'd spent so long, thinking the problem lay within him, coursing through his veins. He was toxic and he couldn't be controlled. After all that darkness and cruelty that he'd encountered, he deserved a shot at this dream. He would've had it all.

She gave him a choice, and said to choose wisely. She urged him to think not with his heart, but with his head. And he did just that. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter because both his heart and head were positive that he belonged with her. However frightening the possibility of that sounded. He would've had it all. This love consumed him. He'd never been more sure of anything in his life. No matter what, he would always choose her. And he would never give up. He would've had it all.

He heard her say her vows, He would've had it all choking up every now and then.
He would've had it all. He saw her features abruptly shift from innocent bliss to a mask of horror and pain. He would’ve had it all.

He watched He would’ve had it all in utter disbelief as the red slowly spread from her abdomen where she carried inside her not one, but two fluttering human entities- his joy, a symbol of their love- staining her white wedding dress. He would've had it all.

He would've
He...
He catches her as she crumples and falls forward and he cradles her in his arms on the floor of the altar. People told him he would remember this day. That it would etch itself into his brain, never leaving. They said this would be the most beautiful day of his life. Of her life. Of their life.

Instead the universe, cruel as it is, gifted him with grief to last an eternity.

He would've had it all.

Don't Forget to Remember.

Do you remember that girl?
That girl who believed that one inevitable day she would shine?
Do you remember the dreams that she nurtured and nourished, one seed of faith at a time?
The ones she was told never to give up on?
Do you remember the conscious efforts she put in, in making sure that hope and despair never learned each other's name?
Do you remember the ones that brought back who she was without the slightest hint of judgement in their ways?
The people that incessantly reminded her of her aspirations?
Or the warmth that she radiated, despite being in the midst of her darkest days?
Do you remember that girl who believed one day she'd fly away?

You do?
Good.
You don't?
Maybe you should.
Now hold onto those memories.
Hold onto them and believe in them with everything you have.
This.
This, is where you want to exist.
Right here.


Forever.

Frozen.

I sit at the window of my New York apartment. Sunlight quickly fades as it is replaced by the signs of night bringing in the first flecks of snow. Storm clouds gather on the horizon and you can see them make their way towards the city. The smell of dampness in the atmosphere is almost unmistakable. That is if, like me, you are a fan of the rain and the snow. The earthly scent that wafts through the air as the first drops begin to fall, is almost intoxicating. I know there will be a storm tonight. One that this city has never seen before. But the question that eats at me is- will there be more than one? One that my heart has never experienced before?

When I came clean with mum, dad and Julian about what I was to do, what I'd been thinking about doing for a while now, they seemed less surprised than I anticipated. Maybe they accepted this of me, sooner or later. I never quite could be held down. But this was more than that. More than just wanting to be free. It was Christmas Day. I'd been home for the holidays and I had decided that if I didn't tell them now, I never would. Family and friends were going to be arriving soon so I figured better now than later, what with Uncle Charlie belching out drunken 'Thank you's' and 'Sorry's' for punching Uncle Steven during Senior Year, and sleeping with his girlfriend. Also, this was something I had to do face to face. I couldn't just brush it off with a phone call to each of them. It wasn't that simple. They deserved to know in person and from me. I owed them that much. Jules was the most supportive. My brother has always had my back with our parents. Even if it was something he didn't agree with personally. It often occurred to me that despite being a boy, he was the more level headed of the two of us, but the decision that I'd made now, only evidenced it further.

My parents in spite of lacking surprise were not so generous in their words and opinions. "You're ruining your life, Jane!" Dad accused as he waved a dead chicken that he'd just cut up and brought from the farm, in my face. I took that as his 'not so subtle' way of being symbolic. "Don't throw away what you have over a "feeling," baby girl. These whims come and go." Mom said, as she looked at me almost pitifully. But how could I explain to them that this wasn't just a 'feeling.' It wasn't like I'd woken up one day and like a chameleon changing color, decided to change my whole life.  This 'feeling' had been emptying my soul and killing me slowly, mercilessly. Telling me that I'd gotten so used to the ordinary that I was terrified to come out of it. This 'feeling' is what had me waking up in a cold sweat every night. This 'feeling' is what brought me down to my knees and compelled me to sought God for help. This wasn't just a 'feeling.'

The key in the hole and the sound of the doorknob as it turns is what snaps me out of my reverie. The storm has begun, the snow hitting heavy on the window pane. Manhattan is a blur now, having been enveloped in a curtain of rain and mist. A bolt of lightening flashes as I look up to see him make his way towards me, his hair a tangled mess of snowflakes, raindrops and perfection, clothes soaked to the tee, and that big glowing smile on his face. The smile that had got me entangled in all of this in the first place. The smile that calmed my fears effortlessly. The smile that I would now snatch away from him forever.

He takes his shirt off as he draws closer and everything around me stops. I want to picture this moment. This final moment, before the storm hits in full swing. This moment where everything is okay. No pain. No grief. I want to remember it forever, keeping it safely locked away in the back of my mind. What happened? I ask myself. Where did it all go wrong? And the thunder lets out a slow growl, as if to answer my thoughts. "These storms are so unpredictable" he says, as he takes my hand and plants a kiss on my forehead. "It was such a perfectly fine and ordinary day in the morning."  

Perfectly fine and ordinary. 

I breathe him in as I take one last look. One last attempt at cementing everything about him in my memory. Every angle of him, the feel of his arms, his hands, the way he laughed, those random tickle wars, the way his brow furrowed when he concentrated too hard, the way he looked in the morning- in all his tousled haired glory, the texture of it, the way he took his coffee, the way his lips tasted, the tiny scar just below his Adam's apple, in the hollow of his collarbone, and his eyes. His brown burning bright eyes. They notice me stare, and he falters looking directly into my own auburn ones. He always knew how to read me like an open book.

You don't love him anymore, Jane. Let go. 

"We need to talk" I say, as I see- and feel to my bone- that glowing smile fade away. "I'm leaving you. I want a divorce."  
The storm cries out, as we sit there.
Frozen. 
Just like we've been all these years.

A Friendly Reminder.

Hi, you.
You, who I haven't seen in over a year. 

You, who I haven't spoken to in months.
You, who I texted just last week. 

Or just yesterday.
You, who I rarely ever reply to.
You, who doesn't feel the need to keep the conversation going anymore.
You, who I hardly even acknowledge now.
I love you more than any written word could ever convey to you.
I love you in the silence that follows when my phone blinks and lights up, and I read a message from you.
I smile so much
that I forget to text back.
Or in the silence when there's Nothing from you because for whatever reason, we drifted apart.

I still find myself staring at the phone.
That you'll make the first move, I hope against all hope.
And the feeling I get when I miss you,
Explaining even the tiniest fragment of what it does to me will take an eternity. 

And another one after that.
And one more after that.
Till pretty soon, we're running out of eternities.
It's like a thousand butterflies and a thousand knives
All at war with each other,
on this battlefield called Distance.
No words. No messages. No letters.
Nothing
could ever ever
describe how much I miss you.
And how dangerously, unbelievably in love I am with you.
You, who I think about every second of every minute of every hour of everyday.
You, who are so strong and so maddeningly alluring, inside and out.
You, who are chaotic within, but a beautiful disaster, nonetheless.
You, who are capable of so much more than your broken and longing heart allows you to believe.
You, who cannot fathom the immensity your presence has on the people who really truly matter.
On me.
I may not say it.
I may not show it.
You may never see me again. You may never hear from me.
But know this.
I believe in you.
I am so proud of you.
I love you.
And I miss you.

Always.

October, My Love.

October my love, how bittersweet you were.
Sweeping in unexpectedly, catching me off guard.
Always was I aware of your existence but,
never would I have deemed you to be the one to steal my heart.

October, my love.

So gentle.
So kind.
The leaves you shed around me were like a blanket,
a comforting antidote for my constantly troubled mind. 

You came in and along with you brought in the rain.
It cleansed me, 

saved me, from a fate worse than death,

now forever free of the sorrow, forever free of the pain.

You surprised me, you amazed me.
Igniting feelings that were so astoundingly quiet, I assumed them to be dead.
You breezed your way into my haunted thoughts,

and scattered my mind of all coherent beliefs.
All the while leaving scars not of pain, but of bliss instead.

October, my love, nothing lasts forever.
You were gone with the wind just as soon as you came.
November, bless him,

he was always such a problem child,
he thinks he can sweep me away.

But no, never you fear.
Patiently will I wait again, for when the wind takes over and the leaves begin to fall.
I'll listen expectantly, for in the sound of the rain,
I'm almost certain I will hear you call.

For October, you have my heart now. And my salvation, you will always be.
From now itself starts a new beginning,
The beginning of a hope that I will see you again.
In a new year, in a new world,
In a new time...
Won't you come back to me?