Sunday, 13 October 2013

Come Back To Bed

It was 2 in the morning. She sat at the window, looking out but not really seeing anything. It was dark outside. Black as the color of death. The moon didn't shine today, as it normally did. She suspected it was hidden somewhere behind some cloud, waiting to be given a chance to come out again. Waiting for those storm clouds to quietly pass by. But of course they didn't. Storm clouds never leave without causing some kind of destructive storm. Most of the time the destructions are reparable. But what if it wasn't now. What if this storm that had just occurred had caused irreparable damage? What would she do? Would she survive the chaos and destruction that surrounded her? Literally. Would she fight for what she loved? Or did it not matter anymore, now that some part, told her she didn't.

He sat on the bed. The bed that had been full of the warmth from their bodies was cold now, her side of it, empty and untouched. There was no light in the room, except for the dullness of the moon, through weathered clouds, marking his silhouette. All around him was broken glass. Remnants of frames and birthday presents that had once been. It was all shattered now. Broken into pieces like the love they once shared. What had they done? where had they gone wrong? How did it come to this? They had been so good together. Now he couldn't stand the sight of her. Her moods, her tantrums, her independence, everything that he once loved about her, now boiled his blood.  Maybe it was a good thing that it had come to this. Maybe they just weren't meant to be. Maybe he was better off without her. She was too dramatic and he couldn't stand it. As he walked out to tell her that it was over, his shoe came down on something, further crumpling the shards of glass to pieces. He bent over to pick it up, and stared...

Outside, she sat. Hands in her lap, taking in the bruises from the frames she'd broken in a fit of rage. She had a temper she knew, but so did he. He was as bad as her. As strong-willed as she was. They were like fire against fire. Their love was passionate, but their anger was wrathful. As she sat and looked on, the blood slowly drying around the bruises, she knew it was over. This was a storm, they couldn't surpass. This was a severe fight, they could never get over. Words had been said. Words that could never be taken back. It was words that brought them together, and words that would tear them apart. In that moment she despised 'love.' Love that had consumed her so many times but had eventually fizzled out. She was so engulfed in her own thoughts and emotions that she didn't see him come up to her, and take her hands in his. Even when she did realize, she was too stunned to pull away. He drew her close, still holding her hands, gently but firmly and whispered something in her ear. He pulled back, held her eyes for a moment, got up and went back to the bedroom.

When she opened her palm to see what it was that he had left in her hand, she saw a picture. It was the picture of an abnormally large, homemade cake. Sprinkles had been used to write a sentence in the middle of the cake. She looked at it, and felt her heart contract. Of course she remembered that picture. She had made that cake. It had been one of those nights when he'd been sitting up late and working. She'd woken up in the middle of the night and made that cake to tell him how much she missed him by her side. His arms, the warmth and security of his chest. And he'd laughed so much at the gesture, eventually smearing cake all over her face. It was that day, that they'd sworn, they'd always be together and never leave each others side. She smiled now at the memory, and gave in. That part that had told her only minutes ago that she didn't love him had dissolved. Because she did love him. No matter what. She always had, and always would.And she knew he loved her too. That look that he had just given her, had said it all. So she did exactly what he'd whispered in her ear. She did exactly what was written on that cake that she had baked for him, that night.

As she walked into the bedroom, the picture fell to the ground. And the light of the moon that had finally come out, shone on the words sprinkled delicately onto the cake...
..."Come back to bed."

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

A Letter of Words Never Said.

October 08, 2013
To: Heaven
Subject: Hey, you.
Hey, you. Happy Birthday!
I've  been thinking about you alot lately. I don't know why, but I have. This whole week, Ive been reminiscing. Memories of how we were, how it all changed, how I was a bitch to you, (make sure you don't show God this letter, yeah. :P) and in the end how, you got the last laugh. Honestly, Im writing this letter not knowing what to say. How and where to begin. So Im just going to start with the standard Hi. How are you? I hope its good where you are. Happier, peaceful. Is it heavenly? After all, they must call it Heaven or Paradise for a reason right? Whats it like, Heaven? Are there angels constantly flying around playing harps and singing all the time?! I bet it reminds you of me doesn't it?! Except I don't fly...hiyaah. Sorry. Im digressing. But I know I made you laugh. Are there beautiful gardens? Oh oh. What about food?! How delicious is it?! Do you'll have buffets and feasts with all the residents and the saints?? And what's God like? Is he just as we imagined him?? Like how we learnt in Sunday School? Is he tall, long white hair, white beard? Does he look like a more glorious version of Dumbledore?! I know, I know. Even here I have to make silly Harry Potter references. If you were in front of me, you would've probably smacked me hard on the back by now.
But that's just it, isn't it. You're not here. And when you were, I didn't care. I took advantage of the fact that I thought you'd ALWAYS be there. I didn't give you the attention you deserved because I thought you didn't need it. No. Let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to give it to you. I thought there were other people more deserving and capable of my love than you. And all the while, you waited patiently, hoping and knowing that one day I would come around. It kills me slowly everyday to think of how I just left you HANGING onto that hope. And it probably always will.

I get now, why you did what you did. I don't approve of it and never will, but I get it. I hated you more than I'll ever admit, in that moment when I'd found out because whatever the reason, you had no right to give up. To just throw it all away. I couldn't comprehend what was so bad that you chose to take such a drastic step. But I do now.. And the epiphany of it drives an imaginary stake through my heart every single time that I think about you.
It was me. You made that decision because of ME.
You needed love. You needed comfort. You needed a drive, something that would keep you going. You needed to know that you were strong enough to take whatever life threw at you, however big or small. You needed to know that you were NEEDED. Loved to a point beyond your common fairytale imagination. You needed to know that you were strong and beautiful no matter what anyone said. And I was never there. Never there to fulfil any of those needs. I never gave you that love, that comfort, that strength. I never gave you that escape route in the disguise of a phone call that you so desperately needed. And THAT'S why you did what you did.
But they say everything happens for a reason, so now I look at your decision as a way to end your suffering. To finally let go of that burden you were carrying with a smile we knew all too well. I imagine you're happy now. Peaceful, burden-free enjoying a kickass birthday with God. But its my turn now, to need. My turn to need YOU. To tell you how sorry I am. To say goodbye. My turn to need that one person who had the ability to piss me off and make me smile, all in that same moment.
I miss you, and I hope this letter will tell you how sorry I am that you're gone. But at the same time, I hope it tells you how happy I am that you've finally found happiness and love. And a place where you can say, you finally belong.

P.S: Remind God, that he still has one of my dreams pending, will you.

Love,
Your harami,
Renelle.