October 08, 2013
To: Heaven
Subject: Hey, you.
Hey, you. Happy Birthday!
I've been thinking about you alot lately. I don't know why, but I have. This whole week, Ive been reminiscing. Memories of how we were, how it all changed, how I was a bitch to you, (make sure you don't show God this letter, yeah. :P) and in the end how, you got the last laugh. Honestly, Im writing this letter not knowing what to say. How and where to begin. So Im just going to start with the standard Hi. How are you? I hope its good where you are. Happier, peaceful. Is it heavenly? After all, they must call it Heaven or Paradise for a reason right? Whats it like, Heaven? Are there angels constantly flying around playing harps and singing all the time?! I bet it reminds you of me doesn't it?! Except I don't fly...hiyaah. Sorry. Im digressing. But I know I made you laugh. Are there beautiful gardens? Oh oh. What about food?! How delicious is it?! Do you'll have buffets and feasts with all the residents and the saints?? And what's God like? Is he just as we imagined him?? Like how we learnt in Sunday School? Is he tall, long white hair, white beard? Does he look like a more glorious version of Dumbledore?! I know, I know. Even here I have to make silly Harry Potter references. If you were in front of me, you would've probably smacked me hard on the back by now.
But that's just it, isn't it. You're not here. And when you were, I didn't care. I took advantage of the fact that I thought you'd ALWAYS be there. I didn't give you the attention you deserved because I thought you didn't need it. No. Let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to give it to you. I thought there were other people more deserving and capable of my love than you. And all the while, you waited patiently, hoping and knowing that one day I would come around. It kills me slowly everyday to think of how I just left you HANGING onto that hope. And it probably always will.
I get now, why you did what you did. I don't approve of it and never will, but I get it. I hated you more than I'll ever admit, in that moment when I'd found out because whatever the reason, you had no right to give up. To just throw it all away. I couldn't comprehend what was so bad that you chose to take such a drastic step. But I do now.. And the epiphany of it drives an imaginary stake through my heart every single time that I think about you.
It was me. You made that decision because of ME.
You needed love. You needed comfort. You needed a drive, something that would keep you going. You needed to know that you were strong enough to take whatever life threw at you, however big or small. You needed to know that you were NEEDED. Loved to a point beyond your common fairytale imagination. You needed to know that you were strong and beautiful no matter what anyone said. And I was never there. Never there to fulfil any of those needs. I never gave you that love, that comfort, that strength. I never gave you that escape route in the disguise of a phone call that you so desperately needed. And THAT'S why you did what you did.
But they say everything happens for a reason, so now I look at your decision as a way to end your suffering. To finally let go of that burden you were carrying with a smile we knew all too well. I imagine you're happy now. Peaceful, burden-free enjoying a kickass birthday with God. But its my turn now, to need. My turn to need YOU. To tell you how sorry I am. To say goodbye. My turn to need that one person who had the ability to piss me off and make me smile, all in that same moment.
I miss you, and I hope this letter will tell you how sorry I am that you're gone. But at the same time, I hope it tells you how happy I am that you've finally found happiness and love. And a place where you can say, you finally belong.
P.S: Remind God, that he still has one of my dreams pending, will you.
Love,
Your harami,
Renelle.
To: Heaven
Subject: Hey, you.
Hey, you. Happy Birthday!
I've been thinking about you alot lately. I don't know why, but I have. This whole week, Ive been reminiscing. Memories of how we were, how it all changed, how I was a bitch to you, (make sure you don't show God this letter, yeah. :P) and in the end how, you got the last laugh. Honestly, Im writing this letter not knowing what to say. How and where to begin. So Im just going to start with the standard Hi. How are you? I hope its good where you are. Happier, peaceful. Is it heavenly? After all, they must call it Heaven or Paradise for a reason right? Whats it like, Heaven? Are there angels constantly flying around playing harps and singing all the time?! I bet it reminds you of me doesn't it?! Except I don't fly...hiyaah. Sorry. Im digressing. But I know I made you laugh. Are there beautiful gardens? Oh oh. What about food?! How delicious is it?! Do you'll have buffets and feasts with all the residents and the saints?? And what's God like? Is he just as we imagined him?? Like how we learnt in Sunday School? Is he tall, long white hair, white beard? Does he look like a more glorious version of Dumbledore?! I know, I know. Even here I have to make silly Harry Potter references. If you were in front of me, you would've probably smacked me hard on the back by now.
But that's just it, isn't it. You're not here. And when you were, I didn't care. I took advantage of the fact that I thought you'd ALWAYS be there. I didn't give you the attention you deserved because I thought you didn't need it. No. Let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to give it to you. I thought there were other people more deserving and capable of my love than you. And all the while, you waited patiently, hoping and knowing that one day I would come around. It kills me slowly everyday to think of how I just left you HANGING onto that hope. And it probably always will.
I get now, why you did what you did. I don't approve of it and never will, but I get it. I hated you more than I'll ever admit, in that moment when I'd found out because whatever the reason, you had no right to give up. To just throw it all away. I couldn't comprehend what was so bad that you chose to take such a drastic step. But I do now.. And the epiphany of it drives an imaginary stake through my heart every single time that I think about you.
It was me. You made that decision because of ME.
You needed love. You needed comfort. You needed a drive, something that would keep you going. You needed to know that you were strong enough to take whatever life threw at you, however big or small. You needed to know that you were NEEDED. Loved to a point beyond your common fairytale imagination. You needed to know that you were strong and beautiful no matter what anyone said. And I was never there. Never there to fulfil any of those needs. I never gave you that love, that comfort, that strength. I never gave you that escape route in the disguise of a phone call that you so desperately needed. And THAT'S why you did what you did.
But they say everything happens for a reason, so now I look at your decision as a way to end your suffering. To finally let go of that burden you were carrying with a smile we knew all too well. I imagine you're happy now. Peaceful, burden-free enjoying a kickass birthday with God. But its my turn now, to need. My turn to need YOU. To tell you how sorry I am. To say goodbye. My turn to need that one person who had the ability to piss me off and make me smile, all in that same moment.
I miss you, and I hope this letter will tell you how sorry I am that you're gone. But at the same time, I hope it tells you how happy I am that you've finally found happiness and love. And a place where you can say, you finally belong.
P.S: Remind God, that he still has one of my dreams pending, will you.
Love,
Your harami,
Renelle.
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