For the most part of this past year, I was determined to believe that I was anything but wrong. And while a part of me still believes it, I know now that I was, that I am, everything that a good girl isn't made of.
I loved you. I loved you so strongly, it set me on a high, that I found very hard to come down from. So when gravity finally slapped me back on concrete, all I wanted to do was curl up and lay on the ground in the ashes of a fire that id lit and fueled, all on my own.
I hated you. I hated you so fiercely that after a certain point, all I could feel was anger for something that I had subconsciously done but pinned on you. Anger that killed every bit of innocence that resided in this now hard heart of mine.
I envied you. Because you had everything that I wanted. That id always wished for. Everything that id almost had, but that I let slip away helplessly. YOU were everything that I needed and could never have.
I despised you. I despised you, for the way you treated me. The way you made me feel so loved and then crumpled me like a piece of paper. Because of how badly you let me down. I forever believed in you and convinced myself that you could never be wrong. And yet, it seems to me now, that you never thought highly of me in the first place.
I was never good enough for you...
And probably never will be.
All of this, all of you, is what had me waking up in cold sweat with a pounding heart for the past year. Because I couldn't stop the dreams...the nightmares. The pain that felt so real, it was impossible to believe my subconscious was playing dark twisted games with me. While I could say I tried to fight it ( I attempted to, a couple of times.) I would be lying if I said I gave it my all. Because despite everything, the pain was something I had decided to hold dear.
As the only remainder of what was, I secretly let it take over.
I embraced and enjoyed the agony.
However I couldn't spend the rest of my life succumbing to the numbness. The choking feeling had to stop...
It had to end...
Yes, I was difficult, I was stubborn and hard to understand. But that never gave you the right to shun me and put me down. It never gave you the right to leave me at a time when I needed YOU the most.
And I realize now that I was always better than you made me out to be.
With or without you.
No, I'm not a good girl. I'm not even close. What I am though, is a believer and a fighter. And for the last year and a half Id forgotten this. I had gotten so used to being loved by you, that id forgotten how to love myself. And when finally you stopped I didn't know how to be anything but broken. I didn't know how to look at myself in the mirror and find the girl that- not YOU but- I loved.
The girl I am here, today is the truth of my reality. I'm impulsive and dramatic and never easy.
I will never be good enough for you...
Because you want the best, and I'm anything but. This is who I am, this is all I can be. Flaws and all, even if you tried, you could never really love me.
The essence of you that i used to feel around me, has danced away with the wind...like the ashes of the fire I had started, which eventually led me to my impending doom. And while a little of you is still a part of me, everyday it fades faster and faster...like the scars of a battle, slowly dissolving into my tender flesh covered with layers and layers of my skin.
Never to be seen.
Never to be known.
Never to be felt.
EVER AGAIN.
I loved you. I loved you so strongly, it set me on a high, that I found very hard to come down from. So when gravity finally slapped me back on concrete, all I wanted to do was curl up and lay on the ground in the ashes of a fire that id lit and fueled, all on my own.
I hated you. I hated you so fiercely that after a certain point, all I could feel was anger for something that I had subconsciously done but pinned on you. Anger that killed every bit of innocence that resided in this now hard heart of mine.
I envied you. Because you had everything that I wanted. That id always wished for. Everything that id almost had, but that I let slip away helplessly. YOU were everything that I needed and could never have.
I despised you. I despised you, for the way you treated me. The way you made me feel so loved and then crumpled me like a piece of paper. Because of how badly you let me down. I forever believed in you and convinced myself that you could never be wrong. And yet, it seems to me now, that you never thought highly of me in the first place.
I was never good enough for you...
And probably never will be.
All of this, all of you, is what had me waking up in cold sweat with a pounding heart for the past year. Because I couldn't stop the dreams...the nightmares. The pain that felt so real, it was impossible to believe my subconscious was playing dark twisted games with me. While I could say I tried to fight it ( I attempted to, a couple of times.) I would be lying if I said I gave it my all. Because despite everything, the pain was something I had decided to hold dear.
As the only remainder of what was, I secretly let it take over.
I embraced and enjoyed the agony.
However I couldn't spend the rest of my life succumbing to the numbness. The choking feeling had to stop...
It had to end...
Yes, I was difficult, I was stubborn and hard to understand. But that never gave you the right to shun me and put me down. It never gave you the right to leave me at a time when I needed YOU the most.
And I realize now that I was always better than you made me out to be.
With or without you.
No, I'm not a good girl. I'm not even close. What I am though, is a believer and a fighter. And for the last year and a half Id forgotten this. I had gotten so used to being loved by you, that id forgotten how to love myself. And when finally you stopped I didn't know how to be anything but broken. I didn't know how to look at myself in the mirror and find the girl that- not YOU but- I loved.
The girl I am here, today is the truth of my reality. I'm impulsive and dramatic and never easy.
I will never be good enough for you...
Because you want the best, and I'm anything but. This is who I am, this is all I can be. Flaws and all, even if you tried, you could never really love me.
The essence of you that i used to feel around me, has danced away with the wind...like the ashes of the fire I had started, which eventually led me to my impending doom. And while a little of you is still a part of me, everyday it fades faster and faster...like the scars of a battle, slowly dissolving into my tender flesh covered with layers and layers of my skin.
Never to be seen.
Never to be known.
Never to be felt.
EVER AGAIN.
:) thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad reading it helped you as much as writing it did me. :)))
ReplyDelete