Do they know you?

They look at you. They're judging. They see the person they think you are. But do they know you ? Do they really really know you ? They tell you that you've got it all wrong. That you don't know what you're doing. But do they know you enough to criticize...enough to judge?

As often as not, people-society-tell us who we are. Who we should be. And we, not believing in ourselves, think they know better. They shove their assumptions and their criticism down our throat like a pill to swallow. And we take it. Because they have such a strong hold on us, that EVERYTHING they say seems right. Some of us question ourselves, our beliefs...thinking that somewhere or the other, we've gone wrong. Everything we do is wide of the mark. They make us believe that we're flawed. And no matter what we do, or say...nothing can change that.

Sometimes it so happens that we let people into our personal space. Open up to them. Make them a part of our lives. But does that mean, we give them a right to judge us? We give them so much of preference, that we fail to perceive  how it eventually becomes our weakness. We give them a foothold into our lives and they take advantage of the fact that we hold their opinion in high regard. So they judge. They tell us what to do. They tell us, what THEY think we should do. They assume we need correction and accusation every step of  the way. When someone means something to you, you go to great lengths to make them happy. You compromise. You change. You adjust. You adapt. You become everything you're not, but everything they want you to be. Yet. They criticize. They Judge.

No. No one has the right to judge you. No one has the right to make you feel like you're not capable of anything. Some do it to protect you, some to discourage and beat up your self esteem. But at the end of the day no one has the right to tell you who you are...but YOU. Nobody knows you the way you know yourself. The being you are within. No matter what anyone says, only you have the right to judge, to condemn and to applaud yourself. Nobody else could, nobody else SHOULD do it for you.

Because they...THEY don't know you. Not the way YOU know you.

A Bundle of Joy.

You hold him in your arms. He's sound asleep. His eyes closed, his dreams a blur of vibrant colors dancing behind his eyelids. His fingers, tiny and minuscule are wrapped around your thumb. As he yawns, his whole body, barely the size of your hand, contracts. You can hear the slight fluttering of his heart. And in that moment, everything stops. Nothing matters but that marvelous existence in your hands. He is the most beautiful thing in the world. That delicate little bundle of Joy...
You take him in. Every little feature. Every little trait. The way he fits perfectly into your arms...like puzzle pieces coming together. And all at once you can see it. See the future..HIS future. The first time he walks...The first time he talks...his first song, his first guitar lesson, his first recital, his first soccer game, his first crush, his ambitions, his desires. He looks up to you. Runs to you in his darkest hour. Protects you. Covers for you. Just like you would look out for him. He's your little brother and You would do anything to see him happy. You watch him fall in love. Watch, as a girl dances her way into his life. Mesmerized by the man he's grown to be. The man he is outside as well as within. She gives him her heart and he becomes a part of her. He promises to take care of her. Always. Sure. You do feel those slight pangs of jealousy, considering the attention is being shifted but you've never seen him this happy. And that's all you want. For him to be happy. And she does just that. She makes him happy.
Looking at that little baby, all of these images flash through your head. Like a kaleidoscope of what the future can hold. And you realize you can't wait for all these moments in his life, but at the same time you don't want them to approach for fear they might end too soon. You don't want this little bundle of joy to grow up. You want him to stay the same. To fit flawlessly into your arms forever. To never let go of those tiny hands. This little bundle of joy, is the best thing in your life right now. You marvel at the fact that God could create such a magnificent manifestation of himself. This boy is perfect in every way.... beautiful beyond description. And one day this little bundle of Joy will grow up and be what he was meant to be. But no matter what, he will always mean the world to you. He will forever be your little brother. And you would do anything for him.  

Walk Away.

When the pain got unbearable, and he couldn’t take it anymore,

He wanted out, an escape route...an open door.

But what he didn’t realize was that he’d be leaving her behind with a heavy price to pay,
Its hard to say if he cared or not, because he simply walked away.

Even through all the pain, with a smile on his face he would say,
Don’t worry love, we’ll have our time im sure….someday.
And she believed him...believed him, even though it felt worse than hell,
But whether or not it was weighing him down, she honestly couldn’t tell.

She knew he loved her,
but she just wished it was enough to keep them strong..
Because she'd gotten so used to him,
that being without him always seemed horribly wrong.

Whatever happened in the day,
he was always the first to know.
So when he left, she was so appallingly stuck,
that she had no idea who to turn to, or where to go.

Times change, people move on, but broken promises and memories of the past always seem to remain,
like little whispers of the subconscious mind, etching themselves into our brain.

At times she wished she could hate him, not because she regretted all of the things they shared,
But because if she didn’t hate him, the only alternative was to continue loving him,
and it wasn't right for her to keep letting that mess with her head.

So she finally decided to leave it all behind and breathe in
to let him go and let the best of her stay...
to never let herself get carried away with her emotions again..
to turn around just like he did...
...And simply walk away.    

Loss, at its worst.

Losing someone isn't easy. It rips you apart. Fills you with emotions you never thought you could endure. Anger, hurt, misery, shock...everything rolled into one massive bundle, that's just cast onto your chest. And your heart doesn't know what to do with all the weight...all the pain. It buckles and backs up. Trying to deal with this sudden unfathomable loss.
First comes the shock. You're standing there, but only relatively there. Your mind races. Floods with questions. Frantically looks for answers. Panic and bile rises in your chest as you try to comprehend why? how? what was it that went wrong? Was there something you could've done? Maybe. Was there something you SHOULD have done? Probably. But it's too late now...Its all over. Gone. Like the ashes from the embers of a fire dancing away with the breeze. And the minute the realization of THAT dawns on you, you go numb. You lose all sense of feeling...all sense of hearing. Your body refuses to respond to the commands given by your mind. Your emotions switch off. Finally giving in and crumpling under the force this loss has inflicted. Suddenly, your body doesn't contain your soul anymore. Instead, its in front of you. Telling you to feel. Telling you that its okay to let it out. But you cant. You cant seem to feel anything at all.. You hear the girl in front of you, see her even. But its all muffled and blurred. Like looking through a fogged up glass. And you realize, the reason its so blurred is because a wave of tears is about to wash over and knock the breath out of you. And its all you can do to keep from letting out a blood curdling scream.

Then comes the guilt. Because you could've been there. You SHOULD have been there. You should have done everything you needed to do to help. You should've let them know how much you cared. How much you needed them.. Things you never would've said when they were around. Maybe, just maybe then, they would have stayed. Considered not leaving...for you. But you never did. You NEVER let them know. Sometimes, we never realize how much our choices affect the people around us. The people who love us. The people who need us. Even if we do realize it, we make them anyway. Not caring about anyone but ourselves and our selfish needs. You CHOSE to stay away. To not be a part. You chose to walk away. And now, all you can do is just sit and wish you could take it all back. Turn back time. Tell them that you loved them when you had the chance.. That you wanted them to stay. That you'd do anything to let them know how much they meant. If only they could just come back and give YOU another chance. But you cant. You know you cant. That, is what the guilt of your choices does. It paralyses you.

And finally the grief and regrets set in.
And everything goes black...
No. Losing someone isn't easy. Especially if you were never there for that someone when they needed you the most.

Perfectly Imperfect Perfection...

A close friend and confidante once used this term to describe me. She said I was a perfect example of a girl who had her whole life planned out ahead of her and still had no idea where she was going. A girl who had it all, but at the same time didn't quite have it all. I have a beautifully exciting world around me that wants to welcome me with open arms. But I hesitate. I stumble. I fall. That is the imperfect part about me. I don't know where I'm going. And due to this is, I fall down...A LOT.
But the Perfect part? I pick myself up...and I carry on. I make mistakes to learn from them. I jump headfirst. I play with fire. I'm not perfect. But unlike others, I don't want to be. I just want to be me. And not the perfect girl everybody expects, wants or assumes me to be. A perfectly good example of imperfect perfection.
Things around me can get heavy. Sometimes there's overwhelming happiness, and sometimes shattering grief. Sometimes i just need to get away from everything. Hide away. Escape to a place where no one would find me. And that's why I write. To run away from reality. To feel the emotions within me come alive. To feel those emotions dance around in my heart as they make their way to my mind and then onto the page. Nothing else but me, my thoughts and my emotions.
So this is my escape route. My paradise. The only place that allows me to be a perfect example of imperfect perfection. The only place that allows me to be ME.