Problems, Decisions. They never end.

Decisions, choices, problems they’re all an integral part of ones life. So many things to decide, so many choices to make. Who you want to be, where you want to live, what you want to become, who are your friends and who aren’t, who are the people worth risking everything for, and who are the people worth losing…these are questions, a few among many, that clog your mind. Some have it all figured out. It’s all well planned and prepared in their heads. Some are confused because they can’t seem to decide what the right choice is, and are too scared to make the wrong one. And the rest, well they’re all just stuck in the middle of nowhere. Lost…not knowing which way to go, what to do, or even where to begin. When I was a kid, the only tough decision I ever had to make was, what flavor ice cream I wanted to have. Strawberry, vanilla or chocolate? Of course there would be those additional add on’s of bubble gum and rocky road or roasted almond and mint. And although these flavors were mouth wateringly delicious, my heart belonged with chocolate. No matter what, no matter which other flavor caught my attention, I would ALWAYS come back for chocolate. Chocolate was incomparable. Rich, dark, creamy--- okay. I’m digressing. My point is, as a child, you never had to make important life changing decisions and choices. It was always about ice cream, or what toy you wanted Santa to bring you for Christmas, or what your favorite color was, or your favorite cartoon show.

And then suddenly, you’re all grown up and wondering what college you’re going to go to. What dream, what career you’re going to pursue. From that moment on, everything in your life is a blur. Like a roller coaster ride gone completely out of control. You want to get off…you want to make it stop… but you can’t. So instead you just sit and wonder when and how your life got so complicated. Does it help that your hormones are running wild? Hell no. You like him, he doesn’t like you. Problem 1. He likes you, you don’t like him. Problem 2.  You both like each other but are too chicken to do ANYTHING about it. Problem 3. Then there’s the problem of actually being in a relationship. First it’s all rosy and mushy and then boom! It’s over. Like it never even happened. Long distance relationships, non-exclusive dating, jealousy, insecurity, breakups, arguments, fall outs, that aching desire to run your ex over with a bull dozer. (Okay. Maybe the last one was a bit extreme, but I know of a few who might actually like that idea.) Not to mention, the ancient problems of peer pressure, drugs, alcohol and other vices. You would go to any lengths, be something, someone you’re not just to impress the crowd. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. As long as you look cool. All of these situations just add up to each other and turn into one nice big pile of problems. Sure, all of these problems are part of life. Part of growing up. But they’re problems nonetheless. They tend to affect your decisions and influence your choices. And the aftermath of those choices and decisions end up being another add on to the already over flowing pile of Godforsaken problems.

And all at once, you wish you could be 5 again, crawl under a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa and watch Tom chase Jerry around the house like a mad cat. And the only problem you have to worry about is not meeting your friends at school the next day. Which is also kind of a good thing, because you’re being allowed to skip school!! You don’t have to ask God, for anything, except that he take care of the ones you love. Oh, and that he convinces mommy to buy you that awesome teddy bear you saw at the store the other day. NO problems, no life changing choices, no impulsive decisions. Just you. The 5 year old you. Innocent, Happy and Free.  

BUT you can’t. You’re not 5. You’re 18. And that pile of problems is still hanging around. Neither is it going anywhere, anytime soon. You’re still going to have to make those imperative decisions and take those plucky chances. So all you can do, all you NEED to do is suck it up and face the storm. It’ll surely occur to you that you can’t do it. That you’re not strong enough. But unless you TRY, you’ll never know. And believe you me, you’ll be surprised.

Storybook Reality.

He had said it. The one thing she never thought someone like him would ever say. And she had no idea what to do but leap for joy. She never dreamed…no she never even considered...that he would like her, let alone love her. Someone like him would never feel the way he did about her. But yet there he was standing in front of her…holding both her hands firmly in his…looking her straight in the eyes –dark chocolate brown melting its way into auburn-and telling her that he loved her. Of course she’d heard it before…Through gestures of appreciation from family and friends. To invoke a feeling of warmth and security, those words were just the right thing to say. Yes, the people in her life were very expressive, but it didn’t matter. She’d laugh and return the words, sometimes out of obligation and sometimes out of habit. Those feelings were more far-fetched then she expected it to be. But this…to have the man that she’d inescapably come to love…to have him in front of her…face to face, it just made this whole thing completely inconceivable. She couldn’t believe that he had actually said it. The three words that meant everything to a girl….the three words that would either make her world, or break it.

 When they’d first met, she’d associated him with violence, hatred and bitterness. But there seemed to be more to him than what met the eye. So she’d spent time trying to get to know him when he’d asked her to give him a chance. And with every passing day, she found herself slipping more and more until finally she had to admit that she had fallen for him. Not because of his charm or wit or grace- yes, he moved VERY gracefully. It was almost angelic. But because of who he was within. She would never have imagined he could be like this. The anger, the sarcasm, the superiority…It was a pretense that he put on for the world. . So he could avoid being taken advantage of. But he was nothing like that. He was a perfect example of an insensitive, heartless, uncaring human boy with angel blood. If that even made any sense. 

And now, as he told her that he loved her, she knew that he wasn’t lying or putting on an act. Because it had taken him a long time to say it. She had succeeded in breaching those walls that he ever so rarely let down.  Just like he had succeeded in bringing her guard down and helping her to love again. She also knew this, because it was written all over his face. She wanted to capture him like this. Confident and solemn, subtly covering a thin layer of nervousness and worry. HE was WORRIED about what she would think. What she would say. She just couldn’t comprehend it. She wanted to picture this moment. So that it would cement itself in her memory forever.  She never wanted to forget even the slightest detail of his face. His black hair…she liked how it was windswept in the front. His forehead…the way it rutted when he was upset or better still when he had something up his sleeve. His eyes…The intensity of his eyes she’d never be able to endure. Whether they looked at her with hurt or fear or whether they looked at her with anger or love, those utterly brown eyes of his would always have something more to say. Like reading between the lines.  Whenever he was around, she felt safe. Secure. And a warm fuzzy feeling would creep up deep inside her. Her tummy would swirl with butterflies while her heart would do little summersaults in her chest. And that smile. Oh, that crooked smile was the best thing in the world. Like an ice cool lemonade on a hot summer day. Nothing she ever encountered in her life could measure up to how he made her feel.  And to think that he felt the same way.  That SHE made him feel that way. Like shivers down his spine. He looked at her, took in the sight of her, and he was home.

So this was what it was like to be in love. Not just to love, but be IN LOVE. And the best part, this was no fairytale. This was better than that. THIS was REALITY. 

A Light that Proved Too Good to be True.

There's something that's inside of me
that hurts me till I cry...
That doesn't seem to let go of me
no matter how much I try...
I clutch, claw and feebly attempt
to rip it...right out of my chest...
But it seems to be linked to everything around me
like it says "wound me n you kill the rest!"

I can't kill the rest...
however much it may satisfy
Because killing the rest would be killing parts of me
parts of me, without which I couldn't survive...
It shatters me on the inside
and wounds me in ways unknown to man...
It breaks me, hurts me and then smiles angelically
as if to say...
...stop me if you can...

Knowing my weakness and sorrows
like a shadow it slowly eats its way into my soul...
And I inevitably succumb to it numbness
not being able to do anything but wait and hope...

Suddenly a beam of light so strong
comes and hits me straight in the eyes...
It fills my mind and burns my skin
like a meteor or comet falling from the skies...
Slowly...very slowly that beam..
turns into a soft yet comforting sight...
It bounces around like a person dancing
and plays with my tired yet suddenly careful eyes...

I wait and watch...staring at this light
wondering if it will disappear just as quickly as it came...
And then the unpredictable realization dawns upon me
as a feeling of surprise and happiness creeps into my brain...
I realize that this light wont leave...
not unless I make it go away
It will stay with me from now to eternity
Forever by my side it will stay....

So I let the light take over me
and this is probably an irreversible mistake
But all of a sudden this light means so much
that its a risk im willing to take....
It holds me like I belong to it and carries me..
in its firm, yet gentle arms...
And all my fears seem childish now
like nothing could ever...ever do me any harm.

It dances its way into my battered soul
and drives out all the shadowy flames..
It picks up the pieces of my bruised heart
and puts it back to the way it was originally made...
It leaves little whispers on my face...and lingers on my lips...
It overwhelms my brain...
...and rushes the blood to my fingertips...

I have not a care in the world now
and I owe it to this beautiful bright light...
It never fails to amaze me
and enchant me with its mesmerizing ways of life...
Its taken away all the pain and the hurt...
and given me happiness as a cure
I pray & hope this light never leaves me..
because without it...
....I would lose all that I now stand for.

Beautiful Bittersweet Nothings.

I look out the window, as dawn breaks and morning approaches. As the final remains of yesterday slowly, but surely fade away. And I think of all the things that die away with it. The memories, the emotions, the feelings…eventually vanishing into thin air.

Just yesterday had marked the beginning of something captivating and wonderful.
Just yesterday, life was a realm of bliss and I, its rapturous possessor.

Just yesterday, everything was planned and prepared…ready on a silver platter.

Just yesterday, I believed in friendship and blindly trusted the people I loved.

But as they say…All good things come to an end. Nothing stays the same. People come and people go. All the happy moments that once were, ultimately fizzle out. However much you may want to hold onto them, they can never stay. And all of your hopes, dreams, desires…they become bittersweet memories of the past.They become memories that could’ve been. Beautiful and enchanting disasters that reluctantly mark themselves in the back of your mind. All those happy moments that overwhelm you now, will one day be gone. And there wont be anything you can do about it.

The only thing you CAN do is enjoy these happy moments while you have the chance. Cherish them. Keep them close to your heart. And hold on to them for as long as you can. Because nothing lasts forever. The people you love today will be the people you don’t know tomorrow. The people you despise today could mean the world to you tomorrow. The memories you have today will someday be nothing but an array of blurred images. 

Change is constant and inevitable. So, as the Sun rises and a new day begins, all you can do is look ahead and hope that the future gives you just as beautiful moments to cherish, as you had in the past. 

But keep in mind that even those 'future happy moments' that you hope for may eventually turn into beautiful n tragic pieces of NOTHING.

Inspiration and final line credits: Sumitra Mitra.
Thaankyou Sumi. (: