A Farewell.

 It’s been a little hard for me to tell you how I feel. What you mean to me. Every time I try to explain it, it either comes out wrong, or doesn’t come out altogether.  Now, as I sit in the aircraft and watch as the last specks of 17 years of my life rapidly disappear along the runway, I think of how some out of those 17 years were spent in the presence of one of the best people I have EVER known. And I miss you. I miss you so much, that there’s an enormous part of me that just wants to get off the flight so I can come back home and everything can just go back to the way it was.  But I know that if I did that, I would be giving you no reason to be proud of me. 

You’ve been there whenever I’ve needed you. Even when I didn’t know it myself, even when I didn’t want your help, you were there. Your mere presence has never failed to put a smile on my face. You loved me. You still do. Not because I was the pretty brown haired, brown eyed girl with a golden voice. But because I was the bubbly head-in-the-clouds, on-a-perpetual-sugar rush dramatic headstrong girl, who had much more to her than she let on.

 The first time that I met you, we hardly spoke. We were two different people, we had a different set of friends, save for the few mutual ones that we knew.  But, I secretly admired you. (partly because of the fact that you carried yourself with so much of charisma and individuality.) Your personality astounded me. I was terrified to know what a person like you could hold and be like within, but my curiosity got the best of me. I WANTED to take that risk. To play with fire. I just didn’t know HOW… (But you did eventually, thank God!) Now, years later, we’ve grown up and come such a long way, it’s almost hard to believe that I couldn’t pluck up the courage to just say HI. Its hard to wrap my head around the fact that those two kids were us. Walking around like we had not a care in the world. Fighting, challenging each other. You saw the innocence and morality in me as I saw the benevolence and goodness in you. We had good times and we had bad. Heartbreaking situations and joyous occasions. There were times when I hated you enough to want to drive a stake through your heart and there were times I loved you with every nerve and fiber in my body. At times when I look back at all these years, I feel slight pangs of regret because I never let you in soon enough. I never let you see beyond that smile, that I constantly had plastered on my face. You looked at me with so much of love and respect, you believed in me so firmly and trusted me to lengths I couldn’t imagine, I was so scared that if you saw how flawed I was, those feelings would change. You would run away, just like everyone else. I distanced myself. Drew a barrier between me and the rest, especially you, because I thought it was the right thing to do. Turns out, it wasn't the smartest move in the world.
We hardly talk anymore. It’s been months since I left. I’m oceans away and you’ve moved on. We both have. You have a life that beckons and gets crazier day by day. And I have a whole array of new beginnings ahead of me. We talk whenever we can, but there’s no denying that the bond we once had, the one where you knew exactly what I was thinking without me saying a word. Where every song I sang, and every note I hit reminded you of how proud you were of me, and of the fact that I was a part of your life and you of mine, is wrinkling at the edges. It will never fade away entirely. But it is weakening. As time goes on you won’t miss me and I won’t think of you, as I do. Already your memory seems like a blur. A dream that occurred ages ago. So I’ll say it now, before it ceases to matter entirely. I miss you. And I love you. You will see greatness and encounter people much better than me. And I will see either the blissful tranquility or uproar of life through someone else’s eyes. But that love will never change.So for now, the distance will do. Let the bond break, if meant to. What could be better than building it again if we have to. And when we meet once more somewhere down the road of forever, everything that transpired between us will be there. And I will have my best friend back.
So,Yes. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just get off that plane and come home. No distance to break us. But then I remember, that if I did that, I would be giving you no reason to be proud of me.
And thats what comes to matter. Even if leads to our distance.

Uncomfortable In Her Own Skin.

She didn't know when it had occurred. Or even how. It had slowly crept its way in. All she knew was that she was looking at someone else in the mirror. Someone who had captured her being and taken possession of who she was. Like a stranger, a ghost that was living and breathing vicariously through her. The girl in the mirror was different from the girl she saw within. She had taken the backseat in her own life. The girl in the mirror was cold, but wiser. She was calling the shots. Making the decisions. Stopping the ache and yearning and switching the emotions off. The girl in the mirror was healing her. Repairing the damage and wreckage. Still, that didn't change the fact that she had no idea WHO this girl was.

She peered closely to see if she could find at least some fragments of the girl she had once been. The heart that had once resided in the body she was looking at. She looked the same. Brown eyes, brown hair... the same laugh, the same smile, the same voice... her nose wrinkled the same way when she frowned. And yet she wasn't who she wanted to be. That was it. She couldn't seem to unearth anything else. Nothing that reminded her of a life that had once meant the most to her. Should she be happy that she was healing?? That she could finally let it all go?? That she could finally take it all in her stride and not break down?? Maybe. But at what price?? Losing who she was? No. She wouldn't stand for that. But there appeared to be nothing she could do. She was not the holder of her life anymore.
Change they say, is inevitable and it had finally caught up with her. The girl in the mirror was changing her. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made it possible to face the challenges of the world. She was growing up.

Still...STILL...She didn't know what, and she didn't know why. But somehow, somewhere she was positive that she had lost something. Something that was a part of her. Something that she had fought for but misplaced. Something that gave her a feeling of assurance and security.
And without it she was susceptible...
apprehensive..
unsure of herself...
Without it, she was uncomfortable in her own skin.

Angels in Disguise. Sisters, ALWAYS.

Okay. This isn't an inspirational post. But its a post about 2 people who inspired me. 2 people who have in the course of 3 years come to mean the world to me. 2 people who laughed with me through the good times and picked me up during the bad. 2 people who dared to trust me despite having built walls that touch the sky. It is said, that wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't always a very good idea. But these 2, they took a chance and put their hearts out there. And I highly doubt they'll ever regret it. These 2 people, they were like angels. Angels that showed me how to live and led me to believe. Believe in love, believe in forgiveness and believe in hope.

The first angel was with me for 8 years. But I failed to acknowledge her presence. She watched over me from a distance. Admiring, marveling at the girl I was. She wanted to reach out to me, to know me. She wanted to understand me. But like most angels, she was invisible to me. Over the past three years, this angel and I have gotten so close, that a simple gesture that I make helps her understand what im feeling. Every look in my eye lets her know my hearts emotions. Every smile that I give the world, she knows it through and through. And not a day goes by where she doesn't try to cure my heart of all the pain.This angel has taught me, that I don't need to be great or beautiful or popular. I just need to be ME. And she loves that girl. The girl that I am. She always has, and I KNOW that she ALWAYS will.

The second angel was like a bonus for knowing the first. A very very good bonus. They were like a package deal. TWIN angels. Beautiful, heavenly TWIN angels. So this second angel, just like the first went unnoticed for 5 years. There was the occasional 'Hi, How are you?' but not much beyond that. From mere acquaintances to friends, to sisters, to being my conscience, my guiding light, my silver lining. This angel not only picked me up whenever I fell, but she also put me back on the right track. She never forced her opinions on me, but made me see sense. Differentiate between what was right for and me, and what I would regret. She made me believe in fairy tales. Not the storybook ones, but the ones that were based on MY reality.

Yes, these two angels know exactly what they mean to me. So whats so significant about today that I have to make it known through words written in a blog ? Nothing, except that they turn 18 today. Today, the 3rd of July, 18 years ago two wonderful human beings were born. And they have changed my life just like they've changed every other life they've touched in these 18 years. Since they're born exactly 10 days after me, I like to think that they were literally sent as guardian angels or bodyguards rather, cause God already had an idea of how messed up I would be. Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually. So they were like my anchors in every aspect. Still are. And always will be. These two girls have been so wonderful and so supportive that sometimes I wonder if I even deserve it. They aren't just friends or acquaintances. These two girls are the sisters I've never had. They are Family. Nothing will ever change that.

So, Faye and Marilyn. A very Happy Birthday! I don't need to give you'll a whole speech on chasing your dreams and never giving up, because you'll are the ones who taught it to me. But I do wish you'll all the happiness and love this life has to offer you. Please dont ever forget how much you'll mean to me. I love you both to bits. Have a wonderful 18th birthday and a smashing year ahead. :)